Posted by Racer on April 17, 2004, at 13:43:12
In reply to Re: I can't find it funny, but..., posted by MrSandman on April 17, 2004, at 1:43:56
1.Athough you are allegedly out of touch emotionally , your message displays quite a range and intensity of emotions totally congruent with your thoughts.
I think some of my emotions are accessible to me, but I don't trust them. You know, the whole, "I must be wrong to feel this way..." It's followed by that sense of failure and shame when it is finally proven to me that those emotions were correct in the first place, because then I get to see once again that I didn't listen to myself when I should have. NOT a cycle I'd recommend to anyone.
2.The most severe acute symptom expressed in your post is anxiety ( "terrified and traumatized"). As a survival mechanism, one of anxiety's purposes is to override all other thoughts and feelings. Anxiety speeds my thoughts and feelings up to a tempo that makes them difficult to isolate and recognize individually. It seems that specific treatment to reduce your anxiety might allow you to recognize and experience your emotions more fully.I suspect you're right. The problem is access to appropriate care. I am stuck with a broken county system, and am not exactly getting the best they can offer. It's frustrating, frightening, and reinforces my feeling that there's no help nor hope for me. You know?
The hell of it is that my professional background is in non-profits, so I can see their side. For one thing, they have to insulate themselves against their patients, in order to survive. They also have to tell themselves that they're doing the best they can do, even while doing much less than their best, in order to look themselves in the mirror each day. They're trying to bail the ocean with teaspoons, and have to balance resource allocation against overwhelming need. Should they aim their resources at the most needy? Or give that little extra to the people like me who might need a little more for a time, but can become fully functional again as a result? My strict Calvinistic upbringing tells me "to each according to need," so people like me should be getting the bandaids over our gunshots, because we can hang on longer with less help. But then I scream and twist and ache for that little extra that might make it possible for me to resume life. And then I feel guilty for it. After all, I *should* be able to hang on a little longer. I mean, there's nothing really wrong with me besides depression, right? All I need to do it stop worrying about it, just get a job, pull myself up by my bootstraps, etc. You know, shame and guilt over my condition, and fear that nothing will help, and then 'care providers' who don't care, and so don't provide adequate treatment resources.
So, in general, I get totally overwhelmed, and shut down. That's what's going on now. I'm withdrawn, not able to function much at all, and feeling guilty, since if I just DID something I should feel better. And, since I'm getting slapped down every time I try to express my emotions to anyone at this agency, I'm not even trying to express them anymore -- just trying to suppress them even more. That's really helpful, ain't it? And I feel resentful because it really does feel as if the reactions I'm getting from them are making me worse, instead of better. And then I feel guilt and shame for that feeling, since they're obviously caring professionals, so it's my failure to respond appropriately.
Stop the carrousel! I want to get off!
3.You also seem filled with a sense of shame and failure. That and your overeagerness to please suggest low self esteem and/or depression. Are you getting any specific treatment? Have you tried cognitive therapy?
Let's see, I'm getting therapy, but that's been a nightmare so far. Too long to get into, but a lack of continuity, continuing invalidation of my emotions and experiences, etc, have led to an increasing distrust and withdrawal on my part. The medication side is even worse, so I stopped all meds several weeks ago, and am too afraid to go back to the doctor. If I had a trusting therapeutic relationship with a good therapist, we might be able to get me through that, but since I just started seeing this new therapist -- Miss "Anti-Depressant medications don't change your weight -- it's just like birth control pills don't make you gain weight, you just eat more and stop exercising when you take them..." -- we don't have anything like trust built up yet, and she's hitting some buttons that are helping me build that wall between us. And then, guess what? I start feeling -- all together now -- guilt and shame about building a wall between myself and the help that I need. And it must be my fault, since she's trying so hard to help me.
3. Yesterday I was reading some wise practical advice you were giving to 1980Monroe.Is it possible for you to extend that compassion and common sense to yourself? What kind of steps, no matter how small, would you recommend for yourself? Why not "go with your gut" for a week or two and see if things begin to look just a little bit brighter?Thank you. I'm glad to know that someone thinks I give good advice. I'm afraid I can't seem to do it for myself, but maybe I'll try. It's very hard for me to get anything at all done right now, and I've gotten back to my deeply depressed "afraid to finish anything, for fear of failure" state -- cleaning the bathroom is too daunting a task, because what if I finish it and it's not right?
Maybe I'll try writing advice to myself this weekend. It might help.
On the other hand, if I could go with my gut, I probably wouldn't have made it to this point. You know what I mean? I don't trust my emotions, since I've always been told that I'm wrong about it all. That constant struggle against what I feel has led me to twist myself up into something more like a protein than a molecule, folded and twisted upon itself. So, I put a hard coating over it, so no one will see, and try to contain it. Then, it gets worse and worse, with no way to release the pressure, until I get to this state. And whenever I've tried to follow my gut, I've been punished for it, so I'm afraid of trying anymore.
Heheheh, that's what I need a good therapist for, and that's why I shut down so much so fast when a therapist starts telling me that I feel the wrong way. You know, "Oh, there's always hope -- where there's life, there's hope -- you just have to stop thinking that way." Sure, great advice, but how about validating that I *do* feel that way before telling me it's wrong for me to feel that way and you're just going to deny it? Ever think that maybe it's that sort of dismissal of my feelings that keeps me from experiencing them directly?
Sorry, that got really long, didn't it? Thank you, Mr Sandman, for your words. I do take great comfort from them, and appreciate your taking the time and concern to express them. I will try to take your advice about trying to offer advice to myself. Unfortunately, part of the problem with being so overwhelmed is that it's really hard to come up with the energy to do anything that hard. And I already feel as if there's no help out there for me, and that I could get past all this if I had adequate help. You know? Give me the help I need to get myself out of this, and then I won't need your help. But instead, they keep telling me to help myself, even as I keep saying that I need someone's help to help myself.
Bah! Tell me again why it's ridiculous to be so depressed? This would make me laugh, if it wasn't such an overwhelming problem right now.
poster:Racer
thread:336453
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040409/msgs/337186.html