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The next segment of my drama

Posted by crushedout on April 14, 2004, at 12:05:42


It's too much to write about all of it here. I saw Ellen again yesterday and we ended up basically doing a double session (she told me she had no one after me and asked if it was ok if we run over, and we ended up running over almost 45 minutes -- so much for clear and consistent boundaries, I guess). We sorted out a lot of stuff, but in general, she seemed pretty desperate to me. I suddenly felt like I was in a power struggle and I had the upper hand again after being on the losing end for a long time and suffering a lot for it.

She told me that she was sure that if we continued the way we had been, I would "write her off" within two months (I later told her I thought that was very optimistic, I was worried I would do it the next day). She said she was scared of this, to be honest with me, both because it would feel bad to her professionally (she would feel like a failure) and because she would feel sad for me that I had continued what she sees as a destructive pattern in my life. (I'm actually not so certain that this is as much of a pattern as she seems to think, but that's another story.)

Anyway, we talked about a lot of stuff, including what's gone wrong in our relationship and the pros and cons of me changing Ts (she's supportive of me changing if that's what I decide, it seems, although I think she wants me to stay).

I felt really good -- which is an enormous change for me -- after the session and still do. I guess I'm afraid that it's not healthy, though, that it's only because I feel like I'm winning the power struggle, because she seemed so desperate, because she not only let me but practically insisted that I stay 45 minutes longer than I was supposed to. However, we also talked about and sorted out a lot of really important stuff and it gave me hope that we could salvage our relationship.

Now I'm very confused about what to do about the appointment I have on Monday morning with the new T (not Dr. X but another one). I didn't tell Ellen about the appointment -- and it's at 9:30 Monday morning and then I have an appointment with Ellen at 2 the same day. I feel like I'm cheating on her, and I'm afraid it could drive a wedge between us, when our relationship is already so fragile. Partially, the wedge would come from my not telling her about it and partially I'm afraid this new T will convince me that Ellen's really done some screwed up things, because I know a lot of stuff she's said and done looks fishy, even though I see it differently, maybe because I'm deluding myself or maybe because I have a fuller picture of who she is.

On the other hand, I need the perspective from an objective third party, and I'm still very vulnerable. And I'm not required to tell Ellen everything. And if I do decide to stay with her, she should understand that I sought a consultation with someone. I have to do what I have to do to take care of myself. But I'm very torn at this point. I'm wondering if it might be better at least to postpone the appointment to later in the week, on a day when I'm not already seeing Ellen, and to tell Ellen about it beforehand, just so I don't feel like I'm sneaking around.

I'm interested in anyone's thoughts on any of this, if you feel like sharing them.


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poster:crushedout thread:336297
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040409/msgs/336297.html