Posted by Racer on April 10, 2004, at 12:06:17
In reply to Re: Any response? Anyone? Please? » Racer, posted by antigua on April 10, 2004, at 10:15:03
You've hit on a lot of what I'm talking about. Right now, for example, I'm sitting in an office style swivel chair, with both legs drawn up so that my whole body can fit into the seat area. Making myself as small as I can be, so that I won't be seen. Not talking, because I don't have the energy to try to make myself heard.
On the other hand, although I'm very, very withdrawn right now, and distressed over being so fat, I don't feel actively depressed. I think this is My Maladaptive Coping Mechanism. If I can be withdrawn enough, self-sufficient enough, empty enough, then I won't be depressed. Of course, I experience almost every eating event as failure, and can hardly stand to be in my body, but the more empty my stomach feels, the more I feel as if I can get through another day. Crazy, huh?
The new therapist said something about me being very thin, and I let it go by. I not only don't feel "very thin," I feel grossly fat. I look at the height/weight charts and shudder, because they're so weird and wildly distorted.
The hardest part for me right now is knowing that this is distorted, and still being terrified to gain weight. On the one hand, I want to be able to see myself and not worry so much about how fat I am; on the other, I so desperately want to lose enough weight to be thin and am terrified of gaining back to where I was before this depression. (In other words, back to a more natural weight for me.)
{{sigh}} Guess if I made sense with all this, I wouldn't be here in the first place?
Thanks for your response. While I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm also glad I'm not the only one who's suffering this way.
poster:Racer
thread:333708
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040409/msgs/334888.html