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Re: Any response? Anyone? Please? » Racer

Posted by antigua on April 10, 2004, at 10:15:03

In reply to Any response? Anyone? Please? (nm), posted by Racer on April 8, 2004, at 14:47:52

I live with my distorted body image every day. I have always believed I am fat, even when I weighed 99 lbs. In the past year I've lost over 35 lbs, and I'm close to my pre-children weight, which is still underweight. When I look in the mirror, I don't see any difference between those two women: all I see is a fat stomach. I've bought all new clothes, but the new ones are now falling off too, but still, I don't see the difference.

My distorted image is clearly related to sexual abuse. I sometimes believe(d) that if I was just thin enough, nobody would see me and I could hide. Or, I would be so fat that no one would ever want to be near me--a protective device really. My eating disorder is to "throw up" what was stuffed down or to starve myself as punishment for what was done to me. In bad times, while I look better because I'm thinner, it often means that I'm not doing well. Being thinner draws attention to my body, which is the furthest thing from my mind.

Does any of this make any sense? I rely on my scale to monitor my image. If it goes too low then I know I have to eat more and pay attention to why I'm hurting myself. When I'm heavier, I have to be careful that I don't overindulge.
But, except for clothes fitting better and people telling me how much better I look, I wouldn't know the difference: I still see a fat person. My T says once I've dealt w/all the issues, it won't be such a problem. I choose to believe her, and try not to stress too much about it unless it gets unhealthy.
antigua


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poster:antigua thread:333708
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