Posted by fallsfall on April 7, 2004, at 12:36:56
In reply to Re: had therapy today it was so painful » fallsfall, posted by crushedout on April 7, 2004, at 9:26:43
> > So, in effect she is saying that based on HER criteria you should stop.
>
> Yes, although I didn't tell her that I thought I met the two criteria. I only realized this afterwards.
>
*** I often don't figure out things like that until I have left the session and had an opportunity to reflect on what went on.> I'm sort of wondering the same thing. Yes, it is an erotic transference. There's certainly a maternal aspect to it (I don't think they need be separate) -- for example, I long for her to take care of and cuddle me. But for me, what bothers me about this, is she says it has something to do with *my* mother, and there are no similarities whatsoever between my feelings for her and my feelings about my mother. That's not to say that indirectly this doesn't link back somehow to the relationship I had with my mother, but I don't feel like we've really talked about what it has to do with that, and, as I told her, I don't feel we've been making any progress dealing with my transference. It's only been getting worse.
>
*** I would suggest that you try to be very clear with her on how you are feeling, and ask for her to explain why she thinks it is a maternal transference. I wasn't as clear on my transference when I was seeing her as you are on yours - you might be able to take this opportunity to clear up a misunderstanding.> And yes, I feel she has been unable to help me deal with my pain. I feel like I can imagine her saying that there's nothing she can do to help --this is something I just have to go through in my own time. But is that true? Aren't they supposed to help?
*** YES. They ARE supposed to help. As I have said in the past, sometimes their therapeutic orientation plays a role in making them more or less *skilled* at helping (and even less inclined to think that it is an important task in your therapy). When my old therapist couldn't/didn't help, I found a new therapist who *DID* help.
>
> I find myself getting really angry at her today, at how she's failed me, and I'm starting to have this severe "sour grapes" thing where I'm telling myself that she's really been a terrible therapist (and maybe even a bad person) all this time. I think maybe I feel I need to do this to move on but I'm sure she would say that I was enacting something from my past, or that this was not productive for me (because I will have to reject her completely and not internalize and use the parts of her that have been helpful to me) -- and THIS, guys, reminds me of stuff with my mother.*** I was able to take what I had learned in the first 7 years and separate that from my feelings of abandonment in the end (isn't splitting a wonderful tool?). I have (at this point - stay tuned for developments in the future) decided that she didn't *want* to hurt me, but that she was unable to help me. I certainly understand about the "bad person" feeling - for me, that has lessened with time. And I try to believe that in most cases she is a competent therapist, but that she wasn't competent with me. It still breaks my heart.
>
> Which leads me to an interesting thought, which I think gardenergirl first pointed out: that by terminating, I may actually be starting the "working through" that we have not been able to accomplish so far. Because it's in leaving her, rejecting her, that I need to do work. But I guess I need someone to help me do this the "right" way, and not the way I've always done it in the past.*** I can't encourage you strongly enough to find a competent therapist to help you through this. It is only in the last couple of months that I have started to work on new issues that I hadn't touched with my old therapist. I would encourage you to look for a therapist who will talk about transferences, sees them as an important part of therapy, and seems like they have experience helping people work them through. (My experience says that you are more *likely* to find this with a Psychodynamic therapist than a CBT therapist - but every therapist *is* different.)
*** It has taken me a long time to move past that termination. I thought I might see her today after my pdoc appointment. I was scared. But my pdoc was running late, so she picked up her next patient while I was in his office.
Good luck in deciding what is best for you, Crushed.
poster:fallsfall
thread:332291
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040402/msgs/333721.html