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Nearest that I know of... Pfinstegg

Posted by Racer on March 20, 2004, at 23:05:12

In reply to Re: You flatter me Racer, posted by Pfinstegg on March 20, 2004, at 21:49:10

Is probably Stanford or thereabouts. Too far for me to go regularly right now, but I will check if NAMI doesn't come through with anything.

Here's part of my problem. Things have become so adversarial with the treatment team members that I have access to, that I feel as if I spend more energy fighting them than I do working towards recovering. And all that energy is coming from someone who has no energy to spare for anything beyond not falling completely apart. The agency uses a case manager to coordinate care, but mine says that all my needs are being met, all I have to do is stop resisting and start working in therapy, and take the meds the doctor prescribes without asking questions. He has told me flat out that he doesn't see that he has to do anything at all for me, but if I'm unreasonable enough to contact him, he'll take it on a case by case basis. Needless to say, I don't plan to call him -- despite the fact that he's then been successful in his job, to all appearances. The therapist shuts me off if I try to tell her my side of anything, and keeps telling me that she sees me as having all these different Axis II diagnoses, all these personality disorders, etc. When I say, "no, I don't think that's accurate," that's just a sign of my pathetic lack of insight. She won't give me credit for any of my life's acheivements, because they're so obviously not true. (I mentioned that I was capable, using a professional achievemtn to illustrate it. One year, I worked in Volunteer Development for a non-profit. This organization relied on very busy professionals during their busiest time of the year, so we were usually understaffed. The one year I worked on VolDev, we had more volunteers than we needed. The only time that ever happened in the entire history of the organization. I did not say that it was solely my doing. I just happened to work in that area that year. But I was involved in it, and I did contribute a great deal to that outcome. Telling me that it's a personality disorder to say that I'm not totally worthless? That, my friends, is invalidating.) So, at the time when I most need help, I have the Anti-Helpers to deal with. I need an advocate, both because I don't have the gumption anymore, and because anything I say is met by, "but you're suffering a mental illness, so you're wrong..."

The other problem is Bootstrapping. I do it to myself. The eating is a great example: I know, "all I have to do is eat more, so what good will it do to talk to anyone about it?" So, I know the problem, I know the solution ("eat more"), I know that it's a problem that requires professional help, and I can't talk to any of the alleged professionals about it because they've already told me that all my needs are being met and I'm unreasonable and I have to do it myself and so on. So, they're telling me the same things I tell myself, so I stop talking. That sounds as if I mean within that situation, but it's wider than that. It's hard for me to talk, because I don't feel as if anyone's listenign to me. Mind you, I can -- mostly -- communicate in writing. But even to my husband, I'm shutting down conversations, etc. I finally told him today that he needed to back the hell off, especially with bringing home foods he thought I would eat, because I needed professional help, which he couldn't give, but if he wanted to help he could try somethign like vacuuming. That led to one of those, "oh, so it's all my fault" talks, with me saying, "don't listen for the criticism, try to hear what I'm telling you: I"m in overwhelming pain and distress, and the few things that you could do, you won't!" Sure, there's probably criticism in there, but believe me it's deserved when he heaps more pressure on me, then rejects my efforts. I end up not really seeing any reason to keep trying, and no reason at all to keep trying to talk.

So, does any of htat make sense? (that's another thing: with both the case manager and the therapist, I ask them that. "does that make sense?" or "Can you tell me what you just heard me say?" The answer to the first question, no matter how clear my statements, is invariably, "No, that doesn't make any sense at all." The second is like being first and last in a game of telephone: what they say back is totally different from what I've said. And you know what? What do you understand from what I have written here? That's right. I really can express myself pretty clearly. It really and truly isn't me that's the problem here.)

Anyway, I'll call NAMI, and maybe even get up the gumption to try Stanford. If I have the energy by then. Thank you for everything.




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

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