Posted by Dinah on January 20, 2004, at 22:31:52
Given my penchant to emotionally divorce, or to run at trouble in a relationship, (although to be fair to myself I also tend to cling to good relationships forever and ever) why have I stayed with my therapist for going on nine years? The last four have been pretty uniformly terrific, the first five, not so much....
I quit several times but was back within a couple of weeks. The closest I ever came to actually leaving, when I made a genuine effort to find a new therapist but was sent back to work through my transference with my old one, was when my pdoc blurted out that I had schizotypal personality disorder. He hadn't seen me more than once or twice, so the information had to come from my therapist. It was really hard to live with that judgement from him.
But the time I really probably should have terminated with him, I didn't because I was just in too bad a place to find anyone. Perhaps I should have turned myself into the emergency room, but I think I'd have to have already tried to kill myself before I'd be that sure that I *would* try to kill myself. It was the first month postpartum. I was severely, hormonally, suicidally depressed. Not thinking terribly clearly. And having to fight terrible urges to do really stupid things to myself. And my therapist was just not there for me. He forgot to return phone calls when he said he would. When he did return them he could only talk for a minute, tho I had gone to great lengths to clear the room so that I could tell him all the things I was afraid I would do to myself. But he never had time to listen. I finally half yelled that I wasn't expecting him to talk to me for free, could we please schedule a phone session or two because I wasn't supposed to drive, etc. etc. And so we did, but he was typically for him really awful on the phone. At that period of time, it was actually dangerous for me to have him as a therapist, because I and my husband were relying on him to know when I needed help, and trusting his judgement. And he just wasn't willing to listen. I should have left then, but was in no shape to find another therapist. And I wasn't honest with my family about how serious it was, so they couldn't do anything either.
But after five years together, I finally learned to trust him. And now we have a pretty good relationship. (He still does bad phone, though). I still wonder though. Why did I stick it out? What was there about him that *did* cause me to uncharactistically continue to try? Why did I fight and battle my way to a relationship with him? Telling him when he hurt me, struggling to learn to relate to him, and to get him to relate back.
Why *did* it feel safe with him, when looking back I can see that there were times when it was far from safe with him. And I wasn't unaware of these things at the time.
At one time he didn't like me (he says he just didn't know me well enough yet), and I knew it. But he treated me well anyway. And so I trusted him. That's what I tell myself. That's my therapy relation story myth. But is that a good enough reason?
I suppose in some ways it doesn't matter now. We do have a good relationship. He is now someone who provides a good secure base. He understands me now, and tho he yells at me more now than he did then, he also understands me better and dislikes me less, maybe even likes me a teeny bit.
But still I wonder. And maybe this applies to marriages as well. For those of you in long term therapeutic (or other) relationships, what was it that kept you coming back when things weren't good?
poster:Dinah
thread:303503
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040116/msgs/303503.html