Posted by Kalamatianos on January 2, 2004, at 0:40:30
In reply to Re: I'm lost ... but not so far away... » Kalamatianos, posted by DaisyM on December 31, 2003, at 12:30:31
Dear DaisyM,
Thank yourself for hanging in there. I hear a for-real breakthrough.>>>Sometimes being a control freak is creating a sense of safety for yourself, whether you realize this or not.
<<<That's it! A control freak is seeking stable security in the midst of (perceived) chaos. The illusion is an expectation of safety. They are the problem instead of a healthy part of the solution. They blame all the chaos on someone else, never taking responsibility for the problems they might be causing.
Anyone you know under 15 who acts this way is not responsible for their poor performance. Those over 15 who are assumed responsible and still act as controlling manipulators, are not acting responsibly and cause terrible outcomes for all they come in contact with. They are holding onto behavior as grown-ups that worked when they were children and life was simple, but now is harmful to themselves and others, so doesn't work for them as grown-ups. I'm not implying that controlling children are OK. I'm pointing out that controlling children that hold on to their destructive behavior, are very messy grown-ups.
Narcissism is the next level worse and very difficult to overcome in one lifetime. Sociopath seems to be the worst I have encountered. (e.g.) G. Gordon Liddy who single-handedly took down the Nixon administration by hatching and implementing the Watergate Hotel break-in scheme causing Richard Nixon's total ruin. Nixon and all his Cabinet and staff became pawns; expendable.
>>>I think part of what I am working on is separating responsibilities from obligations.
<<<You are connecting some very important dots. Responsibility for adults serves to replace the childhood notions of obligation. If it were legal, I'd give you a great big hug right now! You're starting to picture what I had to do to get where I'm at. This is so exciting for me to see this happening for you.
>>>I've let *me* get lost...who I am and what I really want, because I am so responsible.
<<<Can I get your permission to tweak this idea ever so slightly? Change the last word to "OBLIGATED". Now, read it again, please.
Next, please never lose sight of the detail that as an adult, "what you do or think" is never "who you are". You (and no one else either) can take away from you "who you are". Habits, both good and bad, are examples of "what you do".
(mucho importante)=> If you change your habits, you don't change "WHO YOU ARE"!! (please repeat that 10 times....lol)
>>>...color...
<<<NLP has developed some data, which combined with the newest stuff from the neuro science folks, implies black and white memories are frozen-in-time childhood experiences. There is a huge and fuzzy boundary, and then clear bright color implies memories annotated and accepted into the brain as adults.
David Peck and "The Peck Protocol" attempted to encourage the updating of those black and white memories. I have yet to hear of an adult reporting a black and white memory not being the source of unresolved and troubling childhood trauma.
David's premise was simply that these memories are black and white, and thus distorted. Do you accept that since you see in color, that if you have any memory that you retain as black and white, your retained images can be assumed to be distortions?
Since adults store visual images as pictures for quick recall, David would have the subject report how that black and white picture felt. Next, he would ask them to pull up a known image that evoked happy feelings and notice that this image was in color. He would then have the subject hold on to those happy feelings and go back and look at the picture of the trauma, and see if the picture didn't start to have some color in it.
9 out of 10 got it the first time. They started seeing color in the image and continued to report that the ill feelings surrounding the original image were melting away, as the black and white image got more color.
This may sound like only some cheap parlor game, but I have witnessed molestation victims turn the corner for the very first time and start to accept themselves for who they are today. They let go of the trauma and start living a life as an adult, no longer a grown-up with a damaged childhood. Once the picture starts getting color, they report no longer seeing a purpose in reliving the hurt and the misery.
It's awesome (and humbling) for me, really.
Please hang in there. It took me 15 years to iron out my kinks. Now I see miracles happen in months instead of years. Take note when I say there is more to all this than first meets the eye.
poster:Kalamatianos
thread:294529
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031221/msgs/295607.html