Posted by Karen_kay on December 23, 2003, at 16:37:10
In reply to Re: I'm still here. (long) » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on December 23, 2003, at 15:29:26
I don't know.. It's confusing to me really. Before we really started getting into the nightmares and flashbacks and just began recalling things I did remember, which are basically inappropriate touches and making me touch him he started with his crap about how when things started to get hard he would set up extra appointments, if I needed it. (As if telling him those things weren't hard enough!) Well, that started a flood of nightmares and then a flashback and he pushes me. I understand that. I asked for that. I wanted that. But, he doesn't seem to be particularly supportive. He's never once said, "If you need to call me you can." He's never once mentioned an extra appointment. And he knows that I work on this stuff at home. I just feel like maybe he's punishing me for not working on it there, with him. (Maybe some type of transference issues with my father) I just don't want to do it there. Since I don't find him particularly supportive, why would I think for a second that he would be able to calm me down during a crisis. And is he so dense that he wouldn't be able to see that???
I do have a few examples to prove my point. It's not that I'm being unfairly harsh towards him.
Over the summer, I tried to commit suicide. I called him the next day to try to schedule an appointment. The first thing he said was "Does this warrant an extra appointment?" Now, I've NEVER once tried to schedule an extra appointment. I'd been seeing him since February, so he should have known that I was not in the habit of scheduling extra appointments. And, I've never once since then tried to schedule an extra appointment. I think that's a lot of the reason why I don't ask for an extra appointment, even if I really think I need one. I work solely around his schedule. What is convinient for him. I wouldn't want to put him out again, with my minor annoyances. Then, when I went in to talk about it, he put me in the hospital. He didn't listen to me. He stuck me in the hospital. He admitted that he has never placed a patient in the hospital before. I just don't think he's good at dealing with a crisis. And I know I'm not.I didn't ask him why he didn't call me back. After that comment, I figured the best way to make him feel like a jerk was to tell him why I called. Now he does return my calls, but I don't call him during a crisis like that anymore. And I don't change (or attempt to change) my appointment times.
Maybe I do focus on what he won't do. But it just seems like there is so much there. I just feel like he's not very supportive. I'm opening up to him. Just because I don't give in to his every demand, doesn't mean he should punish me by withholding support. It's just not fair!
And I'm not keeping him at arms length. He's deciding to stay there. I can't do anything else to bring him closer. I've let him in on so many aspects of my life. What else can I do? I realize that I'm not always the Perfect Client (Heavens No!), but still.... I just don't feel like he's holding up his end of the bargain. And if I attempt to call himon it, I'm just being petty. I'm being childish. Worse yet, I'm being needy adn asking for things that I should be able to get on my own. I shouldn't need his support. He's a paid doctor. He's not my dad. I don't need his approval. I don't need his kind words. I don't need his advice. I don't need anything from him. I just want it. And I want him to realize it, without ME having to ask for it. SHEESH! He's a therapist. Shouldn't he know this? If he just offered extra visits and told me I could call, I wouldn't. It's just knowing I could that makes the difference.
poster:Karen_kay
thread:292631
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031221/msgs/292882.html