Posted by DaisyM on December 11, 2003, at 20:15:03
In reply to Calling for follow-up - How did Therapy go? , posted by DaisyM on December 11, 2003, at 18:10:03
Ok, I've been stewing now for 3 hours. I feel like I really really messed up --- and I've dialed 6 times to apologize and I hang up everytime. Because I don't know what to say and I feel ridiculous.
He asked me to sink into my feelings. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I went in there today over the top anxious but without really knowing what the anxiety is attached to. So he asked me to sit with it. maybe close my eyes. (nope!) I felt like I couldn't breathe but I couldn't think of anything to say. He kept saying it was alright, he gave me lots of space, I knew he was there and yet...
So we talked about my dream. I'm being stalked, confronted with something, by an unknown (I can't see his face) person. He asked me if it was him? Was I afraid of what we were getting close to? I told him I don't know and I don't. He said let's assume it is -- could I finish the dream now...in this safe place. I tried to reach inside. But all I came up with is that I am terrified of being needy again, of depending on him. We then talked about him getting sick and the anxiety that has now shown up. He thinks there is a connection, at least subconsciously.
So I talk about how much I hated the feelings therapy brings up for me. How I didn't feel it was fixable. How it was taking too long and how I NEEDED a cognitive explaination for what was happening to me. How I felt like I had no more purpose. And how I didn't want to cry. And on, and on.
He did give me a summary of what he thinks has led me to this place and told me that it was all so scary because essentially I was rewriting my life script. And asked me to look at how long I have been denying my needs and feelings and how short a time I've been working on this (7 months). Told me it was perfectly normal to go forward and back and then forward again. That he could see that I was sad and needed support -- I wasn't just being a drama-queen (my phrase.) And that he was there to help me, not threaten me. And even, that he would see me Christmas eve if I wanted so I didn't have to skip...
I feel awful, terrible, like the worst ever therapy-client. Let's summarize: he's not allowed to get sick, he has become threatening and he must work on Christmas Eve. I wouldn't be surprised if he decides I'm too much to deal with completely.
I still want to call him. I still don't know what I would say or ask for. :(
poster:DaisyM
thread:288877
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031202/msgs/288950.html