Posted by fallsfall on October 7, 2003, at 20:56:40
In reply to Re: I wouldn't (couldn't) tell him, posted by kara lynne on October 7, 2003, at 18:57:26
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030407/msgs/221129.html
After that I spent months feeling that she was mad at me and frantically trying to do the right thing. I was suicidal and the only thing that made me feel better was thinking about switching therapists. She thought it was a good idea. I did interviews and gave her a summary of what people said (like they thought I should work it out with her). She asked what I told them was the reason I was leaving. I told her because she was mad at me and I couldn't do it anymore. She said "gee, I thought you were leaving because I had taught you all I know". Then she said that she wasn't aware that I was miserable for the past 4 months. That was the end. I never went back. So, did she kick me out for searching? Not really, but from my perspective I had to leave because of a problem that began with my searching.
I just wanted comfort. To feel connected. I didn't want to invade her privacy. I was lonely.
I still just want comfort.
My therapist called back. He said that we'd have to talk about why I keep doing things that make me unhappy on Thursday. Somehow, that isn't comfort. He did say that he wasn't going to repeat history (I haven't said I'm searching, but he knows - so he is saying that he won't be mad. I should interpret that to mean that he won't abandon me, but there is more to the abandonment fear than the searching. Everything I do seems wrong - and therefore everything I do seems like it would be cause for him to abandon me.)
I feel like everytime I have a problem and ask him for help he says that I should go fix the problem myself. I'm not seeing the help. If I could fix everything myself, I wouldn't have to see him.
Feeling very hopeless and alone. And I have no idea what to say on Thursday. No idea.
Thanks, Kara.
poster:fallsfall
thread:265991
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/266554.html