Posted by Morgen on July 24, 2003, at 20:05:03
In reply to Re: Same sex therapist? No No. » Morgen, posted by Dinah on July 24, 2003, at 7:42:41
Fine, I won’t write you, I’ll write thin air.
I will remind you that you were the one who initially offered for me to write you when I was upset. Granted, you didn’t have it in mind that I would be writing to complain about you. But turning me away when I do so points out to me that you may very well be in part the problem concerning my inability to talk with you about our relationship. You get defensive. I’ve seen it happen in the office. It probably just happened over email. There was no misunderstanding, there was nothing to misunderstand, I was just venting, again. Not only was your reason disingenuous, but you also picked one hell of a time to make me experience my first rejection from my therapist. I actually thought to myself Wednesday night, when you hadn’t answered my email, oh good… she’s helping me do what I said I wanted to do in my last email… put this whole thing away and not think about it until I’m done doing the work I need to do. Apparently, not the case.
But that’s fine. You need to take care of you and I understand that, and I can certainly understand how being angry with you over e-mails can be too burdensome, and I know you’re not getting paid for it. But my email said I was scared. It said I was concerned. It said I wanted you to be concerned. It said things are not good. It didn’t specifically say I was suicidal, but since when would I ever specifically say that. Point is, you relied on my “highly functional form of coping” that you’ve mentioned so frequently lately. You relied on it, just like everyone else does. And maybe your right, surely I’ll pull through just like I always have before – see, now I’m relying on it too. But what no one seems to realize, or perhaps seems to care, is that I might not pull through. It is actually possible for me to fail at something.
Problem is, I was absolutely unable to communicate my anger to you in person. You just eliminated my easiest mode of communication, making me believe you’d rather I not communicate at all. You get your wish. I’m not coming back, I’m not going to answer your emails, and I’m not going to go through some sort of sadistic goodbye session. And not only that, but I’m leaving with anger and pain and hatred in my heart, in part because I know I’m only hurting myself, and it’s a stupid thing to do. But somehow its just a little bit satisfying to think that at least you’ll have the knowledge that you failed me miserably, and that I’m going to hurt about this for a long time.
And I know you don’t deserve it. Somehow, I can’t force that to matter to me and change how I feel. Call it transference, because I’m sure that’s what it is, but somehow its as if you _are_ my ex. And like my ex, further contact with you is painful and unwanted. And emotionally, I am right back where I was when I sought out counseling in the first place, making me feel that the past year and more has been not only worthless, but destructive. All's unwell that ends unwell.
poster:Morgen
thread:241865
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030711/msgs/245002.html