Posted by dove on July 30, 2002, at 18:25:46
In reply to Re: Holding rage in a cage » Dinah » judy1, posted by Dinah on July 25, 2002, at 6:10:28
When one talks about dissociative disorders, what exactly defines one? What does "SI" mean? I have a lot of blackouts (I call them blank-outs), some intentional, and some not. They enable me to survive, to keep living, without those blanks I don't think I could go on. Certain meds do hinder my ability to blank-it, yet the same meds also dull my ability to feel anger or rage in a "personal" manner (like it's happening to someone else--not me? Does that make any sense?). I feel much more apathetic and "apart" than anything else. I've never really spoken about this, and have never told my p-doc, I just figured it was normal, especially when the meds seem to trigger it.
Anger and rage have been my evil inner adversaries ever since I got married eleven years ago; and it is much easier to be suicidal than to deal with what is causing the anger. The thought of losing control is very scary, and a very real potential should I decide to attempt to speak to my significant other of my anger. He is a serious hazard to my health whenever I feel anger, or any other emotion he deems "ugly" or "unacceptable" in his presence. Crying is deemed weak, pitiful and disgusting. Anger is tantamount to mutiny, even if only whispered and righteously deserved. Asking him where he has been when he has been gone two days is called "jealousy" and an attempt on my part to control his every waking moment. The only emotions that I may express and are acceptable are that of pure contentment and utter idiocy and ignorance.
He has a severe problem with expressing any positive emotions, in fact, he really hasn't for the past year and a half. He was seeing a therapist and was able to completely snowball her, and she felt I needed to get my act together. This, despite the fact that my husband wants me off all my meds and the meds are what have kept our marriage--and myself--alive thus far.
So, blanking-out keeps me out of harm's way, yet, it stops me from being able to move forward and get better. I know I'm rambling and all over the board, but this discussion has really hit a chord in me. I thank you all for what you have shared!!!
dove
poster:dove
thread:547
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020702/msgs/778.html