Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on April 24, 2009, at 17:31:53
In reply to Re: d/r + experts - desperate for help w/my meds » Amelia_in_StPaul, posted by garnet71 on April 24, 2009, at 1:50:35
Oh my gosh, thank you so much for your extremely kind response. I really needed for someone to "hear" me and understand and I so appreciate that you did that. Sometimes, "helping" professionals end up treating us as specimens, and after an awful experience at my psychiatrist's office the other day (he clearly does not understand OCD), I really needed to be heard; I really needed for my words and experiences to be heard.
I am so sorry that you have been through hell too--to have gone through so much with your sister as well. For her to have almost died. And for her to have been treated dismissively and with cruelty. She is extremely lucky to have you. My husband--some issues I have with him revolve around his passivity. When about half my rights were violated, similarly to your sister, he did nothing. He was paralyzed by anxiety and conflict. I cannot forgive him, sometimes, for that.
I think you said about the most reassuring and supportive thing anyone's every said to me when you said: "I wonder if they would have ever had such severe illnesses. But see, they didn't research mental illness or read about it-didn't have the tools or will or whatever to try and prevent it. Well you do." That is so insightful, so smart, so important for me to hear. I hope you remember that too, in times of anxiety or crisis.
I guess by "freaking out" I meant that I had stopped functioning--I had stopped eating, was barely sleeping. [Warning: the following might be triggering--it's about anxiety and panic] During the day, my brain was zoned out, was blank, but every nerve was on overdrive--sounds hurt my ears, lights hurt. At night, my mind was on fire, and I would try to sleep but have--well, its embarrassing to say, but I would wake up thinking I heard my husband ask for a cookie. Or I would fall asleep hearing a radio playing. Or I would hear a doctor's voice as I drifted in and out of sleep. I know now that those were hypnogogic and hypnopompic hallucinations, pretty normal stuff, esp. with anxiety or with narcolepsy, but I had no idea--sounds scary, right? So during the day, I was scared and I was listening to everything to check if it was real, looking at everything to see if I saw it. At night, I didn't get any sleep.
I didn't want to go to the hospital, but I also didn't want to exist like that. When I left the hospital, I had all the symptoms of PTSD, reactivated. I experienced a total dissociative state. I didn't recognize any houses on my block--I couldn't tell where we were when my husband drove me home. Those f%ckers. The governor of my state let a bill expire that required that inpatient facilities have trained staff--so that now, completely untrained "staff" can be in charge of patients. I had no idea. I thought it was like 20 years ago, the one and only other time I had been in a hospital--nurses only on staff, kind people who gave me homework to do during the day and who listened to what was going on with me.
Anyway, now I'm going on and on...
I can never tell you how much I appreciate your virtual hug and your support. Thank you so much, kind, wonderful