Posted by Dena on September 24, 2003, at 22:31:21
In reply to Re: The loss of dogs (long) » Dinah, posted by rayww on September 24, 2003, at 18:33:09
To All fellow dog-lovers -
Both of your stories of your dogs saddened me, Dinah & Ray. They made me think of a dog whose death I was responsible for. I want to tell her story.
When we got married, I got pregnant within the first six months (even on the pill), & I panicked - I didn't know how to nurture! I set my mind on getting a puppy so I could practice before the baby arrived. We settled on a Golden Retriever, & soon found Brandy. I quickly discovered that crate-training & house-breaking had nothing at all to do with raising my infant son, but she did build up my confidence in taking care of something that was dependent on me. We had 13 years with her - each of my children learned to stand up by grabbing her fur & pulling themselves upright; she just licked them good-naturedly. At the ripe old age of 12 she developed leg cancer, & the doctor told us that the cure was worse than the disease at her age. The poor thing could hardly walk. We took her to church & our priest & the entire congregation came out into the parking lot to pray for her. The next morning, she was fine! She not only walked, but ran around the yard like a puppy! For 10 months she was pain-free, but then she relapsed & quickly went downhill. When her suffering was too great we had her put to sleep.
Several months later, I heard of a dog, a labrador-Golden retriever mix (looked like a black Golden w/ long black fur) who was going to be euthanized if she wasn't adopted by the next morning. We loaded the entire family into our van & drove three hours to go rescue her. Her name was Casey. She romped & played with our children in the yard, & then sat next to my husband, leaning on his legs, looking up into his eyes. He was smitten. She became our dog. She had heartworms, but we managed to keep her quiet during the 6 week treatment (it was hard with 7 lively children enticing her to play!). What a great dog! So loving, so gentle, so loyal. She would sneak all 80 lbs of herself into my husband's lap, one inch at a time, until she was on top of him, looking so proud & possessive. My husband was dealing with a serious illness at this time, & Casey would lie right next to him & wouldn't budge.
But we had a problem. She came from farm country, & she loved to run. We live in the suburbs, 50 yard from a very busy highway. We put up a 6 foot fence & worked on retraining her.
One day, we all went to an amusement park for the day. We put Casey (along with our other dog) into the fenced yard because it was such a beautiful day. We gave them plenty of water & took off. I returned first, since I had a meeting to attend that night - my husband & children stayed at the park until it closed. I had just enough time at home to quickly shower & grab some dinner. I heard the dogs barking, but I knew that if I let them in, I'd have to put them in their crates while I was away (& they hate that). It was still light outside, & I knew my family would be home in a couple of hours - I figured that they'd be better off outdoors.
I drove off to my meeting, not knowing that Casey managed to pull the chain-link fence away from the side of the house & get out. She saw me drive away, toward the highway, & followed me in hot pursuit (I had no idea - I didn't see her).
Only when I returned home, hours later, did I find out what had happened.
When my family drove home, down that highway, they saw (in the dark), a large black shape on the side of the road - my husband figured it was a deer. Upon getting home, they couldn't find Casey (the other dog obediently stayed in the fence). My son, Joshua, then 14, walked up the hill toward the highway, looking for Casey, & he found her lifeless body, lying on the side of the road. She'd been hit in the head - I pray she died instantaneously. My husband carried her body back home & put her in the back of the truck (don't know why - it was just his first response to the shock). I walked into the house, & right away knew something was wrong. My husband blurted out, "Casey is dead. You left her outside & she's dead!" I ran out to the truck & just petted her. She was so hard & cold & still. I couldn't believe it. The guilt & grief overwhelmed me. I can count on both hands the number of times I've sobbed in my life. This was one of them. My husband came out & held me, & asked my forgiveness for blalming me. But I was to blame. I'd heard a still, small voice in my head telling me to check on the dogs, to let them in, but I ignored it in my hurry to get to that meeting.
The next morning, we wrapped her in our bedspread & buried her in our back yard, not far from Brandy (along with several pet rats & ferrets).
To this day, when I look at her photo, I feel a stab in my heart.
It's amazing the bond that can form between humans & their pets. It's such a bittersweet relationship. Pets give & inspire such love, but they don't live very long. I can't imagine living without a dog.
When I was a child, life seemed so long, & I enjoyed carefree relationships with my dog. I didn't even consider her eventual & inevitable death.
Now I know better.
I have a dog that I love - Savannah, my white German shepherd. She's lying by my feet right now, with her paw on my foot. She loves me unconditionally, no matter what sort of mood I'm in, no matter whether or not I ignore her, even when I forget to feed her, or if I take a walk without her. She gets her greatest joy just being with me, & she lets me know it. She looks at me so adoringly with those warm chocolate brown eyes w/ white eyelashes... I just respond back to her w/ joy.
She's only two years old, but I can't even look at her without feeling a twinge of inevitable grief - knowing that some day she'll die too.
It hurts to love, because there will be an eventual loss, whether with people or animals.
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I think so.
Thanks for letting me meander...
Shalom, Dena
poster:Dena
thread:262931
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/263085.html