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Re: Asking for prayers again (still) jon90211

Posted by Spector on March 23, 2006, at 2:45:32

In reply to Re: Asking for prayers again (still), posted by jon90211 on March 16, 2006, at 11:02:21


I've been wanting to answer you for days. But it has pummeled me so brutally, so unrelentingly that it has been impossible until this tiny window right now.

I cannot tell you how cruelly horrific it has been. It has been so unspeakably unfathomably bad for so long, but every time it gets even worse it is unbelievable. The pressure now of waiting to see if this new treatment will be my release is nearly unbearable. I literally beg for the ability to die if this is another cruel dead end. That request has never been granted along with all of my other (more life affirming ones), but that is actually the most frightening prospect of all -- this not being "it" AND having to continue to be alive. This would have more meaning if I gave you the sickening details of the treatments after treatments after treatments that I have endured these past 3-1/2 years. But that would be a book.

What you say about the terrible irony of severe depression and anxiety taking away the thing we need the most -- HOPE -- when we are suffering is so very true. It is also one of the things most impossible to convey to people who have not lived in the horrific "otherness" of this parallel universe that we are painfully familiar with.

Jesus? I am a Jew. But I like to hear about Jesus. Transcendent love and compassion. And sacrifice.

Victor Frankl's book, yes I did read it many years ago. Remember the deep impression it left on me, but few details.

But, Johnathan, I have been these last super horrific days, less able to even tell myself that God is with me and everything. I have found myself screaming why? Why do you hate me so much?

I know this is not correct. I do know that. But I am human and after so so much struggle and blinding incapacitating terror searching endlessly for help so dibilitated that I cannot describe -- yes, I feel abandoned. Abandoned. And that there is just some cruel entitity out there experimenting with me like a nasty child would with a small animal or a bug, pulling its legs off, and, oh, look, it's still alive. Then poking it maybe with needles, and, look, it's squirming and moaning but still alive. Let's try some acid. It writhes and screams in agony, but remains alive. Endlessly it goes like this.

I hope you can understand this level of rage, terror and helplessness.

Please, please keep praying for me if you can?

Need it.

And thank you for the scripture. It (of course) has the power of conviction in its words.

With love,





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