Posted by Spector on March 25, 2006, at 3:03:58
In reply to Re: Asking for prayers again (still) » Spector, posted by Jon90211 on March 23, 2006, at 11:16:49
Jonathan, hi. Thank you. Again. Your words and certainty and continued prayer DO mean something to me. A lot. You say it's probably of little comfort. Well .. . . a little comfort is the very best I can do right now. So, yes, it is of little comfort, but without the faith and prayers and constant care of others, I believe I would not be here any longer. I count on the strength and conviction of others every hour of every day and remind myself of it incessantly to try to stay this side of all out panic.
But I am in exile. A very cold terrifying exile from all things life. I do not truly believe that I have been abandoned by God. I don't know if I could survive if I really really believed that, but I guess like anyone else who has suffered severely enough especially for such a long time, I feel profoundly forsaken. And angry. At times, almost violently enraged. That, I think, is normal.
Thank you for the Psalm of David lines you copied for me. They make me cry.
I don't know. I don't know. I cannot imagine how this will ever end. I just know I want to be allowed back in. I just want to be back with my baby, (my husband). Desperately. I just want to be back in life. More than anything ever ever ever ever. I don't like to say I am "supposed to" have been painting all this time, because I do not really believe that God "wastes" our time. But, hell, it sure feels that way. I would have been painting away for these past three and a half years! I was just just just starting to discover the mysteries of putting bits of color on a canvas, just starting to make my "own" paintings. It is frustrating beyond description that I was so brutally torn away from that, as I was so brutally torn away from all things that gives one's life meaning. It is sickening. And what has replaced it is not numbness, as terrible as that would be, but terror and despair more crippling than I could ever have drempt (not a word, I know) up.
I guess you know all this already. I am repeating myself. Luckily you don't have to live with me and hear my repetitions constantly.
I know that I can believe what Jesus says, and I do.
Thank you again,