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Re: Keep hanging on! I'm praying for you, too. lynn971

Posted by Spector on January 3, 2006, at 1:16:44

In reply to Re: Keep hanging on! I'm praying for you, too., posted by lynn971 on January 2, 2006, at 17:17:57

Lynn, thank you again from the bottom of my heart. Yes, I can tell that you really do mean it. And knowing that you have made that commitment for me brings tears my eyes.

I cannot tell you how badly I hope that soon I can tell you that God has brought me through to the other side of this.

You know, I know that when this ends something or things will become possible that may never have been possible otherwise; some door will open that I may never have even imagined could open before. I do believe that very strongly. But . . .. . . well, it has to END first. And that is a big but. In the midst of pain and terror as severe as this, there is no beginning, there is no end; it is infinite and can force a person who wants desperately to live to beg for death. It must move into the past in order to take its rightful place as an excruciating experience that through the grace of God led me too whatever I am being led to. While it remains in the present, simply withstanding it, simply surviving it, simply remaining alive is unrelenting torture. And it has been in the present for three years, two months and two days.

My goodness, Lynn, if some of the people I have gone to for help could experience for say an hour what I have been withdstanding for three years, they would not believe it. Literally -- they would not believe that a human being could live like that for three years. (That is, if their brains did not implode purely from actually experiencing a condition that they thought they understood, that they thought they were experts in, that they may have devoted a large part of their professional lives to treating.) I do not say this because I am some superhero or something for surviving the intolerable -- NO, just the opposite -- I am just a regular scaredy cat person. That's what makes it so unbelievable. I mean, even I cannot fathom how it could be true that I have gone over three years like this. Truly, truly it is so unbelievable that many moments every day I cannot quite believe it. It is surreal in a very frightening way. And many many of the people I have gone to for help have not been able to quite believe that it is as bad as it is for as long as it been. And I can't fully blame them; I might not be able to believe it myself if I had not lived it.

Yes, what has happened to me has been a series of extremely atypical things: the almost 14 year complete remission, the unspeakably severe and unrelenting reaction to the simulant, the extraordinary length of the depression and the severity of the anxiety, and my so far total treatment resistance.

Atypical in the extreme. That is what I am told.

Why am I telling you all this? Well, because it is one of the only only ways I can get some fleeting release. But also to tell you that knowing you are with me in prayer while this illness continues to attack me so brutally is a source of comfort. Tiny comfort, but very very important to me. Since for me the worse the terror is, the less I can feel God's presence no matter how much I tell myself that He is with me always, it means a great deal to know that people who are right now more able to feel His realness are praying to Him on my behalf. That was a convoluted sentense, but you got what meant I hope.

Lynn, you are a sweet and good soul. I felt that instantly from your first response to my request, but tonight I made sure by reading some of your other posts. You have, I think, the kind of open heart that comes through in everything you write. Thank you again so so much.

With love,

Nomi


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poster:Spector thread:593667
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