Posted by corafree on October 16, 2004, at 16:17:55
In reply to Re: Suicide » PTSD_Girl, posted by rayww on September 14, 2004, at 9:26:20
I felt suicidal last evening and it carried on to this midday Sat. I have PTSD and have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I thank god I have no psychotic features. I also have no feelings of hurting anyone, that is except me. I have just begun DBT, therapy to help me discern what my emotions are doing for me,...just now beginning to understand that they may be doing or showing me something good, not bad. Your sharing is so true. The things I am thinking when I am suicidal are like 'lying to myself'. That's when I pray to denounce evil and for God, Jesus, and my father who passed away months ago, to be in me, walk for me, talk for me, think for me. I am not to the point that you are tho' w/ this clear understanding of these lies we are telling ourselves or evil is telling us. If uncomfortable do not, but my email is [xxx], and I would like it if you would share a funny story. It begins with a mother wanting to be a part of her first child's birth and the child becoming angry because she is just trying so hard that she is doing and saying all the wrong things. Then a boyfriend comes to see her and she hopes it will be a comforting evening. Instead, it gets to a point where he gathers his things, and slams her door behind him.
That's what brought on these feelings. I've lost a lot since my father died...he was my best friend and the person I loved the most in life. The rest of my fam of origin have somewhat deserted me in my grief and just plain in my life, because, they haven't experienced a mental illness, don't want to admit someone in their fam' suffers from one, and were a bit jealous of the relationship I had with my father. Forgive me if your PTSD has anything to do w/ one of your parents, as it may draw you away a bit from my story. I have three grown children that are successful and strong. Only one is my advocate. She is gone for the weekend. I do have one friend I can talk w/ but she spends weekends w/ her fiance. The birth of the daughter that just had a baby brought back so many painful memories to me...maybe they misdirected my intentions. I'm wondering if my feeling of rejection from she and this boyfriend are signs, a sign that my daughter and her boyfriend can make a life w/o me, and that this man is not for me, and if that is so I should celebrate that I have learned that early,...but instead I am a whimpering 'nobody loves me' mess! Thank you for your posts. Glad I found them this Sat. best wishes corafree