Posted by IsoM on April 13, 2002, at 14:22:02
In reply to Civility and the Rules of the Board » IsoM, posted by Mark H. on April 12, 2002, at 22:30:15
No disagreement with you at all, Mark (as you probably guessed). I'm just feeling very thick lately - I'm having trouble distinguishing between my inability to see the obvious due to a fuzzy brain with what really isn't obvious.
I've been off adrafinil for close to a month now & feel so foggy-headed again. (Wail!!! When is my new supply going to get here?) My lightning mind now is working only in fits & starts. My mood is much bleaker & blacker again too - kind of like "I just don't give a damn" but I really am trying hard not to direct it to any purely innocent bystanders. But it's weird how dark I feel like this.
I never swear, not out loud or in my mind - but the other day, a heavily loaded van with work equipment pulled out in front of me from a side-street instead of stopping first as he should've. This necessitated my braking for him & then he drove along under the speed limit & being slow to take off from traffic lights. I kept thinking "you stupid, j*ck*ss b*st*rd" & tail-gated him the whole time - I was seething inside. If he had stopped, I would've punched his lights out. That's such a "not-me" reaction. That's how my depression manifests itself. I can be reasonably patient & loving to those 'worthy' of it (though my skin crawls still), but it gets so hard to extend it to others who are jerks.
In fact the other day, I was so ticked off with my supervisor (who I like, mind you) with her comment that she thinks I 'selectively' listen to what I want (instead of believing me when I told her politely that she often speaks to me as she's turning & walking away so I don't hear her clearly), that I quit right there. She was shocked & I told her I don't like being told that basically, I'm a liar. I take honor in being honest & that means no 'white lies' too. She pleaded with me & told me we could work it out. I was adamant & said I've already been doing the best I could with my ADD & my trouble distinguishing certain sounds from background noises, but she hasn't believed me.
The whole thing did work out -I'm thinking of quitting when the garden season is finished anyway, she bent over backwards & was doing all sorts of little concillitory actions (plus I remembered without that job, my meds & dental aren't covered). I'm trying to keep my anger in check - I've years of practicing self-control to fall back on, but oh - do my claws & teeth emerge at such times. I still never swear or raise my voice, but there's no doubt in others mind what my eyes say! I think it may be good for others to realise that Judy isn't all sunshine & fluttery butterflies - I do have claws & teeth & will use them when needed. Strange that that sort of thing gets more respect than treating people nicely all the time.
poster:IsoM
thread:3959
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020308/msgs/4144.html