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help, but no thanks... Long and boring

Posted by B2chica on November 14, 2017, at 10:55:02

Hi fellow babblers.
I've been coming here since feb 2004. It has been a really wonderful place for me, saving grace at times, and want to thank everyone here -especially the older members (and those that have passed too).

i'm not sure where to start other than Help me.

**however, as disclaimer i must say, please know that i am very aware this is an online community and there is nothing you can physically do for me, more than verbal responses. Please note, that is OK, in fact, its what i need.
I really need someone to hear me. Knowing someone reads this (damn it, crying again) gives me a chance to take a deep breath and pause once more.

Yesterday, after much personal contemplation i've decided that my suicidal ideations have now become intents. it is not immediate as there is much i need to do.
Logically in my mind what i just said confuses me. i do have a strong logic mind, so for the last three weeks i've been able to seperate them out and realize that my illness was trying to make a decision that was neither true nor what i wanted. Now i still believe my emotionality is irrational and an illusion, however i can no longer logically agree its statements are false, or that i dont want them. and to be honest, i'm really tired of fighting the same fight, over and over with fewer options each time.

The last three days i've been in such an internal state of struggle that i can hardly eat, drink or sleep. Including last night i have now had two nights of 0 sleep. Oddly, it was yesterday (after a 7 hour nights sleep that i was at my worst). i made some configurations of just how much myself and my illness is costing my family. i've scaled the emotinal turmoil i have caused them, and plotted future emotional strain on my family in physical, emotional and spiritual ways. none of them are in my favor. The only thing i did do that was in my favor was creating a pro and con list. To be frank my logic mind thought it was insane that i would act when that list was very clear the pro's were pathetic and few. The con list was even smaller but more impactful.
However, today i'm conflicted again. This time my brain is ruminating on the fact that i had made a decision of intent and some how that is relaxing me.

anyway, i had appt with T yesterday which i thought was perfect timing. But she became ill and had to cancel. Then i was to call pdoc office yesterday and give update, i did, but i remember the nurse kept talking over me so i'm not sure if she heard what i said about mood. while i was waiting for call back, i was getting worse and more confused with inner conflict and when she called (first) i dont think she heard me because when she spoke with my pdoc all he said to do was to increase by one gabapentin at bedtime??? that is when i just told her to tell him that i'm just burnt out and i needed some time to think about some things. she asked if i wanted to make an appt with pdoc, and i just said no, i dont think that will help.

I like the nurse but there's something about her that, well its' like she sees someone else when i'm there. She will ask questions and barely wait for a response, sometimes talk over me before i'm finished, and she never seems to get the right message to my pdoc. i mean. its hard for me to tell a stranger exactly how i'm feeling, and to do it over the phone, and to someone that i'm not sure how the message will be relayed makes it worse.

as for my T, after the incident with pdoc's office, she texted and asked if could reschedule for wed. but again, at this point, i've made a decision and i just need time to deal with it/manage it/ break it down/ or deny it. and i know that i cant go to the hospital right now for many reasons. and its just not an option.

I just feel like no matter who i speak with these days, i am completely misunderstood and really feel like there's no point in my talking when my words are misinterpreted and my voice in never heard. i am pointless.

i cant even manage my measly 20hour a week job that is super pud.
i started smoking again, i guess becuase i figure does it really f-ing matter.
i can write but i can complete anything, to even THINK of publication
i can paint but not good enough to make a living
i was good at my job, but can hardly do even that these days
i cant bring in much of a wage to family
I cant manage basic care of my kids, let alone all the academic and school related needs they have.
my husband cant seem to stand the sight of me these days, and cant talk to me with out being beligerant or degrading (or both). He's either yelling, being passive agressive or sarcastic. And to be clear he can come home perfectly happy and good with kids, the MOMENT i come in the room, say anything, he gets on me like i killed his puppy when he was five. when he is so upset with me, he will end up taking it out on the kids, yelling at them instead of me. I cant stand the sight of that, it just brings me to tears.

Yes i have children and i cant talk much about them because it makes me want to burn my eyes out slowly thinking about what my suicide will do to them, i've written those things down in my con's list. So right now, the Only reason i know i'm breathing is because of them. But what about when they grow up, leave the house, have their own family.... what then? I can not ever let them feel like they hold the responsibility of holding me up. Or worse, what if they catch glimpses of how i'm feeling right now. My husband makes a point to make comments about my past 'cutting' or suicidal behaviors right in front of them -not using those exact words. but they are getting older and will be able to pick up on that soon enough.
ok i need to stop. this conversation makes me want to run out infront of a speeding truck.

And i just need to stop.
The conflict in my brain is a constant dialog and confusing and torturous.


"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."
Theodore Roethke




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Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:B2chica thread:1095871