Posted by Fiftylager1 on February 28, 2016, at 23:45:00
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here » Fiftylager1, posted by Tomatheus on February 28, 2016, at 23:03:49
I think this forum is great and supportive.. But that Pinder guy kinda ticked me off. Sorry if I dropped the f bomb but no one should tell people with mental Illness that the medications cause you to be suicidal, psychotic, etcetc.. It feeds fears. He's a fear mongering and I guess I have enough irritability in me right now to let him set me off.
I have fears of medication because at age 15 I first attempted suicide. I was prescribed Prozac and unbeknownst to me became very hypomanic and ultra rapid cycled. I tried to kill myself twice more before I signed myself into a psyche hospital to avoid being committed. I stayed 3 days and signed myself out. To this day I wonder what would have happened if I stayed.
I was taken off Prozac, saw a counselor twice who suggested bipolar. My parents dismissed it and I never saw that counselor or the psychiatrist again.
I went through years of swinging back and forth and looking back it was so easy to see I was bipolar. All the markers were there. As the years went by my anxiety sky rocketed and I was prescribed Ativan and finally celexa. Celexa had me in a severe dysphagia state within 24 hours. I was ready to crawl out of my skin and 2 children under 3 to care for. A few years later, I swallowed my fear and tried wellbutrin. I felt violent and almost the my 5 year old off my lap because she was bouncing. Very early spring tends to be a very big mood shift for me and I get hypomanic. But I now have dysphoric hypomania since taking anti depressants. I finally wrote my Dr a letter begging for help because I wanted to die so bad but I had 2 young children. I couldnt sleep, barely ate, was beyond irritated and felt like I had bugs on my skin. I was extremely paranoid too. She had seen me many times for anxiety and after my letter she recognized the symptoms and sent me to a psychiatrist. I finally was properly diagnosed.
I've tried lots of meds to since then and fear every single one. I don't care if I'm now on a mood stabilizer, I will never take another anti depressant again. Gaining weight, losing my hair and becoming a zombie aren't acceptable to me either. So I'm pretty limited. When my kids don't need me so much maybe I can try some of the meds that I've feared but I have to function for them.. Not feel drugged. Now they just think I'm lazy and unsocial but I've tried to explain certain aspects of my illness. They are teenagers though and I'm almost grateful they don't understand because that means they aren't likely experiencing bipolar symptoms.
I want to be better but feel I'm running out of options. My pdoc is conservative and I feel like I disappointed him each time I go in. He likes to stick with the meds such as lamotrigine, ability, Latuda, lithium and Depakote... As well. As the dreaded anti depressants. I just don't know where to go from here. I am very depressed and can't sleep at night but am so tired and fight off a nap during the day or give in. I rarely make nice dinners anymore and want to hide in my room. I'm not working and am too scared too and suffer extreme pain from a knee injury to top it off. I'm at the point of ending yet another relationship because I just am not dealing well. Sorry so long... But I hope this explains me a little better.
poster:Fiftylager1
thread:1086405
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20160131/msgs/1086593.html