Posted by Bill82 on February 11, 2015, at 16:37:06
In reply to Re: OCD Dont know where to go » Bill82, posted by phidippus on February 11, 2015, at 15:38:11
Yea one of my obsessions is that I will become bipolar or schizophrenic so I think about it a lot...idk just want my damn life back haha
Yea I was looking at maybe a seritonin modulator instead since I get bad vocal tics on ssri.
Pretty much erp I do is I just choose not to do a compulsion and put it off until I hopefully forget about it. Problem is even if I forget about it I get triggered again.
Well might be tmi, but I have primarily sexual obbsessions, so rituals are replaying intrusive thought over and over on my mind until it feels right that I don't like it, dosnt sound too bad on paper but it has destroyed my life, unemployed havnt left my house in several months now. If I have a bad thought in shower or when I do my duty, I can get stuck doing same thing I was doing,(doing my male typical thing) which can last for at times up to 4 hours. I have scars from this sh*t it is just aweful.
Had thought of that, my doctor I see now has also written a paper about it at one time I think, I am just scared to ask because of my previous abuse of benzos and don't want to come off as a junkie and lose another doctor. Also last night I actually tried to see how caffeine would do and I had a cup of coffee which I normally don't drink. Increased focus at first but then began to give me really bad jitters and worsened ocd till I fell asleep finally at 6am haha, maybe chronic dosing would be different, coffee is also a adenosine(spelling?) antagonist I beleive so it's probably different
Feel guilty like I'm begining to accept them and will soon find it's ok and my new life will begin.
Yea I'd say so....best way I can describe it is that it's an inability to take risks for some things if that makes since. For example think of something you would literally die to protect, and then wether you would risk that in any way. It's a paradox. I also feel like I'm always lying, so for example I feel like I am making something up when I wrote this to you and am stretching the facts and that I might not have ocd etc.
My ocd was also sudden onset pretty much occurring after I caught a mycoplasma infection. Before this I had pediatric lyme and seizures that went away after antibiotic treatment for years, and I might have had obsessive tendancies, my mom remebers me reporting lo and behold intrusive sexual and violent thoughts and hypochondriac things( like worrying I has testicular cancer) at the age of 5 6 but these disappeared after age 10 when the seizures stopped. In middle and high school all I had was goal oriented obbsessions, that were ego syntonic. Ie I loved playing football so I lifted and trained for football a lot. I was always a little bit of a worrier but not at all to the extent I am now.
So part of me believes I have always had ocd other part says it may be partially be immune mediated. I try to keep them in two seperate categories, so for now I am trying ivig therapy for the immune side, and focussing most of my attention on the belief I always had ocd.
Also I was on lamictal for a long time as a child for seizures, a year or so I think, and I guess I tolerated it well then, but I was also better then, and wasn't in the state I am now. As I have sexual based ocd one of the main things I worry about is I will become impotent or have my testosterone lowered, stupid I know but then again so is my brain haha. Might be a thought for the bipolar and glutamate side of it, but worry about impotence it may cause(no effects on testosterone I exhausted the internet on that haha)
Lastly just want to thank you and everyone else for helping me it means a lot. This is one of the main things I look forward to in the day is hearing your guys thoughts.
And last thing for eric, since you seem to know a lot about ocd I had a question about yours, do you notice when you first wake up in the morning, as in the first 5 minutes it's non existent? Like if you had a bad thought before you fell asleep after waking up it dosnt seem to catch hold nearly as bad? Was wondering because I have seen others say this and I know this is true for me too. Was wondering if it's in connection to why when you have a dream, while dreaming you beleive in it, but then when you wake up you say wtf? Possibly upon arrousal certain hormones chemicals are used to create this process? Maybe this is similar to how ocd works, In that you have a bad thought and it seems like the world is ending, you successfully delay thinking about it, 20 min later you look back and say ahh that was horse... I know this to be true at least with past obbsessions of mine too, like my hands sweating or that I had als, look at those thoughts now and say lol. Anyways thanks for your thoughts means a lot, also if this dosnt make since just let me know and I'll try to explain better.
poster:Bill82
thread:1075804
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20150129/msgs/1076260.html