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Re: rTMS after two weeks--Meh. Wish it weren't so. » phidippus

Posted by Chris O on November 20, 2014, at 18:50:40

In reply to Re: rTMS after two weeks--Meh. Wish it weren't so. » Chris O, posted by phidippus on November 20, 2014, at 17:34:08

Hey, Eric:

My diagnosis? That's a good question. I would say I'm on the PTSD/GAD/OCD/agoraphobia axis--chronic worrying, unable to feel like I have escape my childhood with my mother, worrying that people want to harm me (such as poison my food) if I assert myself too strongly. I am, basically, scared of everything. (I am even worried the woman giving the rTMS treatments will find this board and "punish" me for writing about her. Yep, I've thought about that many times.)

Anyway, the reason I measure my success by my personal interactions with others is because ... usually, in my day to day life, I try as much as possible to avoid interacting with others. I simply do not "extrovert" myself enough, and things often go very badly for me when I do interact with others, no matter how much I try to fight my anxiety. There is a sense inside of me (and I don't think I am wrong in a very deep way, even though it sounds irrational) that people "defeat" me, just by having more energy than I do. This is one thing that the rTMS has given me: a slight boost in energy so that I can stop ruminating about the past, and keep my energy in the present. This would be a great achievement for me if it lasted in any significant way.

And I still do not know how much I am projecting onto the young lady doing my rTMS treatments. Yes, she was trained, but there's something off with us, or at least that's my perception. I don't think she completely gets my anxiety disorder (I feel like I have to pretend nothing is wrong when I am around her or she becomes irritated), and it irritates me.


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