Posted by b2chica on September 12, 2012, at 9:32:34
In reply to Re:...what the h+ll!!! » B2chica, posted by Zyprexa on September 11, 2012, at 20:23:01
ok. so i had a MAJOR difficult night. i was obsessive shopping most of yesterday leaving work to shop during break (left for hour), then left again to return an item and ended up shopping more (but didnt buy this time) for another hour at lunch. and obsessivly online looking at things. in just a few weeks i've spent almost 400 on clothes...and really not much to show for it...
after work became Very irritable to degree of being "in your face' with DH. went to pdoc to pick up rx and went to pharmacy ended up shopping more, picked up 8 items but finally rx took so long that i put most back. ran errand, forgot half of what i went to do, so got home, remembered went back.
came home, downed a beer and took gabapentin, perphenazine cuz i felt TOtally out of control and took brand zyprexa for same reason. only have two name brand left. Still felt like i needed to go on a rampage of either shopping, shouting or cutting. whole time i made a game out of 'containing my true self' in terms of downplaying how i felt internally (like a funeral pyre).
today could NOT get up. FINALLY after hour and half of snooze i woke up the time i normally leave to work. txt boss i was gonna be late. and came in. almost fell asleep at computer. ive been late everyday this week.
this is getting ridiculous.
i feel more awake now. but i cant handle this.
SOMETHING has to change.
i know i need to wait some things out. but i angrily want OFF zyprexa (which is probably most why i will stay on it.)
i Feel angrily FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and painfully hopeless.
the job isn't stressing me out much. but have had a few funerals in just as many weeks.
i guess i dont expect answers. i just want to be done with this episode so i can get off zyprexa and exercise again. have no energy except when i get off work. and dont have time cuz i have two little ones Constatly needing me. i feel TOO guilty to exercise then. as this is my only time to be one on one with them.
20mg adderall TID
1500mg gabapentin (or prn)
1mg xanax (prn)
"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."