Posted by Phil on July 6, 2012, at 9:24:07
In reply to Now for a heavily depressing post, posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 11:41:23
Thanks again everyone. I'll consider all of your suggestions. And bleauberry I agree on work.
Short story. I'm not a professional. I've worked a lot of retail management and sales jobs. I've been fired in my life and I've quit in my life.
A friend got me a job at the State of Texas...totally foreign concept but the benefits were the best and you got every holiday in the book off, etc.
Every retail job I've had I worked my @ss off, sometimes up to 80 hours a week. There was always something that needed to be done.
In the department I worked for at the State, there were many days that I and others, including my boss, were online all day. I would get excited when a rare busy period hit.
The reason I say this is because I knew I was going backwards and vegetating. When I lost my brother and shortly after lost my job, something clicked. I knew that after getting knocked down by life and getting right back up so many times that this was different. I'm not 28, I'm about to turn 59. I've gained weight from meds. I have zero confidence and a lot of pride but I'm not me. Not the one I used to know.
I was hired at the State as a team leader. Not long after had a breakdown at work and then had my first mania and was out for two months. After a suicide attempt I went to the psych ward for 4 days. In our small group, everybody knew my business.
I haven't worked in 1.5 years but I count it as 11.5 years and this, for me, is the worst thing that could happen.
I don't want disability because it will make things even harder to find a job. But part of me died over the past ten years. If I can't fix these problems within a year, maybe less, I'll be on the street, and I'd rather be dead than live that reality.
DBT is interesting but Cobra runs out 9/30. If I'm approved for SSD, I'll be living on nothing and have no insurance.
I will also print out Ron's advice because I've made comebacks in the past and I'll do it again.
Plus Ron's my age which means he's super smart, handsome and knows great music.
One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.