Posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 11:41:23
How to live. I planned or assumed I would smoke myself to death. Quitting now may postpone that or it may not. My whole family has died from smoking related cancer. Despite my little e cig discovery things aren't so good....
Medications help MI, sometimes, but after 30 years of fighting, I know that I don't have much fight left.
I have two options in my immediate future, as an emotional wreck try to find a job or hope that SSDI is approved. Living with either option is incredibly depressing to me. I will either A. live or B. not live. If I was a gambler, I'd put those odds at 50-50.
It's not easy, is it?
Meds are partially effective but I've always struggled no matter what I was on. Therapy over the last several years has not moved me forward one inch. I guess this is the so called tipping point. Roll the dice.
Maybe tomorrow will be better...and maybe there's a Santa Claus.
But I still have my cat and my brother. Without them... The psych ward nurse called them my tethers. How long does a tether last? How long is a piece of string? Mental illness in full bloom. Stand still and suffer. I've gotten through this a hundred times but it's never been this bleak.
I share too much here. Maybe I should just say I don't feel good. But right now Babble is a lifeline because my cat doesn't speak English and I'd die waiting for my phone to ring and hear someone say, How are you? I think they know. Maybe they've heard enough. I can't blame them.
One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.