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I have a mood-disorder thats hard to point out

Posted by Lamdage22 on March 27, 2012, at 15:34:33

Hello friends,

i have been staying away from hospitalizations for quite a while now and i am relapsing.

A brief history on me: I have grown up in a dysfunctional family and my parents divorced when i was 5 years old.
I made it through high school and could deal with it through denial.. This denial is now slipping away on an emotional level, i have met a girl with whom id like to have a gf-bf relationship in the future and the heartaches just hit me pretty heavily.. so heavy that i sometimes think i might die from it.

This heartache about what i missed out on life due to family relations seems to be accompanied by paranoid thoughts and actions. I am freaking out pretty quickly.

I always thought that i have only depression and to me it seems to be just a basic fear of life along with depression and psychotic features. Socially anxious and in a way submissive, but in another way quite narcissistic.

I have been to jail recently because on an intuitive memory i have been remembering molestation by my father. I have my butt to a a police officer and assured him that it got raped. They have put me into forensic and then straight into jail. Hospitalizations are quite frequent right now.
I have been on nardil for a lengthy time doing just fine with greatly relieved depression. Now im going paranoid again and was put on risperdal, 5mg, nardil 45mg, and 1mg ativan as needed. Now the past days i have been on 15mg zyprexa only.

I had this before and was diagnosed "bipolar", now the pdocs seem to tend to point out schizophrenia to me, but i dont believe that i imagine anything.. it has been said that my reality testing is poor. I dont believe though that i hear voices or see things that others cannot see. Well yes, i had that.

So now what? The past experience shows that after my diagnosis was shifted from depression to bipolar, i have decended into a deep, dark and very longlasting depression. I have gotten rid of the bipolar diagnosis. Now the "voices" aka doctors call me bipolar and schizpophrenic again.

I do not know what i have and the times are tough, though very beautiful and fullfilling at times.

Am i just going through a grievance process or am i decending into schizophrenia?

Some may remember me.. i was on this board before with the name "Hunk" and "Lamdage".

I am back with a big time problem, please help!

PTSD from childhood, (atypical) Depression, Social Anxiety and Candidiasis!




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