Posted by hyperfocus on October 27, 2011, at 10:53:55
Most of us have had it, however briefly. That surging in your chest where your body is telling you for the first time in years it's going to be ok. You have so much energy and motivation and feel that everything - showering, laundry, cleaning, cooking breakfast is worthwhile. All of your plans and dreams are back on track. You feel very social and talkative - the wall of anxiety and fear between you and the rest of the world is broken down. You feel the sun on your skin for what feels like the first time in years. Colors are sharper and brighter, food tastes right, you notice details in people and life and respond to them in a way you haven't since you were a child. The term I've seen used here is healthy euphoria. You feel that this is what remission feels like and if you could feel like this every day for the rest of your life it would be worth it.
And when it passes away, perhaps inevitably, it's like you spend the rest of the year chasing after it, trying to solve the puzzle of what combination of meds got you to there. Yearning for that feeling was in part responsible for my amitriptyline incident this month. But isn't that what life is supposed to feel like?
I remember somebody making a joke about house cleaning and saying that after a few weeks the dust and grime and disorganization really don't get any worse. That's how I feel too - I'm so behind with basically everything in life there's no reason anymore not to just spend the day vegetating. But yesterday and the day before I did some cleaning. I didn't feel particularly enthusiastic about doing it but (and this is the change from the status quo) I didn't feel like not doing it either. Most the of time doing some reading or (gasp) actual work is so beyond me. I don't have the energy and concentration for it and in any case it's hard and I'm so lazy and stupid and will never amount to anything so why should I do it. These past few weeks though it seems that sometimes the gap between doing something productive and do laying down on the couch staring mindlessly at the TV is getting narrower. I don't feel particularly thrilled about listening to an audiobook for half-an-hour or working a tiny bit on a project or writing this PB post, but I don't see any particular reason not to do it either. I didn't like being disturbed this morning by strangers coming to look at our fridge but the whole thing was not terribly frightening or fatiguing the way it would normally be either.
So is this the med response I should be looking for - simply well regulated motivation and concentration and decreased fear and neurotic thinking? Is that healthy euphoria I felt and long for unrealistic? I think to myself there's no immediate reason the serotonin/dopamine peaks of hypomania should be 'normal' for me right now. Yet when I was well and healthy wasn't this how I felt all the time and took for granted till I became ill? It's always what people ask about how normal feels - where exactly does personality end and morbidity begin. I was always very shy but not to the extent where I can't leave my mouse or make eye-contact with a stranger. On the other hand where does response to meds diverge from your true self? If in my hypomanic state I start talking to a girl on the bus, is that 'normal'?
ace (The Nardil Champion) reported that this healthy euphoria phase could be permanent. Last time I heard from him he was still going strong and apparently into full remission. But can this serotonin/dopamine enhanced state really be maintained by everyone? Is that what I should be aiming for?
C-PTSD: social phobia, major depression, dissociation.
Currently: 450mg amitriptyline single dose at night.
Also: Allegra, 1000mg Vitamin C.
Slowly improving.
poster:hyperfocus
thread:1000969
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20111027/msgs/1000969.html