Posted by SLS on November 5, 2010, at 6:20:11
In reply to Re: does anyone not want to get better?, posted by floatingbridge on November 4, 2010, at 21:18:04
> > Do you feel doomed?
>
> Yes, sometimes. Being raised with an apocalypse loving family.
> >
>
> > Our time here is limited, and the losses of past years are irrecoverable. Time continues relentlessly. What guarantees are there that anything will change in the future? None.
> >
> Yes. I can barely bare it.
>
> > Do you experience significant anhedonia?
> >
> I'm not sure. It was rated significant in Jan at Stanford--I couldn't tell. What is intolerable now is that I can experience some pleasure, maybe even daily, but the remainder I am outside of it. Just tiny windows.
> > How is your anxiety level?
> It's increased, and I'm taking 1.5 xanax xr daily and extra as needed. For the past few weeks I had been having ptsd triggers, like trapdoors. Very fruitful on one hand, but frightening.
>
> >
> > > > If I were to act the way I feel, I would remain mute and stare into space; not doing the things necesssary to
> survive independently. Somehow, it sounds more comfortable and peaceful to give up and to no longer push. The effort to function and remain a part of society is immense and can be overwhelming. Such effort is nothing short of heroic.
>
>
> But Scott, how does someone keep on? I don't think I am that strong.
> >
> >
> > > You've dealt with this for sometime. Have you been here before? I guess you have. Does this sort of crisis reoccur?You have found something worthwhile?
> > >
> > > > Push, push, push.
> > > >
> > > > It is always push, push, push.
> > > >
> > > > It gets old.
> > >
> > > Yes, very, very old.
> > > >
> > > > Why bother?
> >
> > > I really am not sure. My child. But even that can not be enough (theoretically speaking today).
> >
> > > > To discover the answer to this question is to examine your psyche for its motivations to remain alive and reach for the best quality of life that your limited resources will allow, despite the enormous effort required to accomplish
> this. It is an investigation of character.
> >
> > > Scott, I don't have confidence in my character.
> >
> > It is not so uncommon that people who
> have the greatest of characters fail to
> recognize it. Look in the mirror. You will see what I'm talking about. I happen to be very impressed by your character.
>
> Scott, that is very kind of you.> I haven't been able to clean my house. The mirrors are filmy.
I know it is hard, but I think you will feel better if you learn to define yourself by what you ARE rather than by what you DO - or fail to do.
> The fatigue is terrible. And to admit that I feel beaten is shameful to me.
Ah. A perfectionist? You demand more of yourself than you would of anyone else.
> It's not something I can tell my husband.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I know you feel beaten. Chronic major depression (if that is what you have) will make you feel that way, whether you are truly beaten or not. Perceptions in depression are skewed towards the negative without having recognition of the positive. I believe you have some insight into this, as you used the word,"feel" rather than "are" beaten". Just know that your energies are going to wax and wane, and that you will again have the psychic energies and drive to fight again.
Sometimes, "giving in" to the depression is to discover acceptance of its power. You can then accept yourself, despite your frustration and demoralization at not being able to achieve those things that you expect and demand of yourself.
Despite your present feelings of defeat and weariness, the energy to fight will eventually reappear. It is a part of your character that you will seize upon this energy and use it to survive and perhaps even enhance the quality of your life. In the meantime, be merciful with yourself.
- Scott
Some see things as they are and ask why.
I dream of things that never were and ask why not.
poster:SLS
thread:968403
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20101030/msgs/968573.html