Posted by sookie on September 15, 2010, at 8:49:22
I thought I was coping well but I guess Im not.
Found this site when I stumbled upon leaden paralysis and thought it explains a lot of what im going through now.
I believe Im about to lose my job which i've held on to for 10 years, and I am almost convinced that it doesn't matter as much as I thought.
I was prescribed with rivotril, zoloft and another mood stabilizer in 2004-5 when they can't find a solution to my hypertension. It was our last option and thought maybe stress played a big deal with my normal 160/100 bp which can shoot up to 200/130 (my highest ever accompanied with throbbing head and vomit)
My doctor then, also found out that I was sexually harassed by my brother in law, which resulted to me getting an apartment; making up excuses with my mom. We all lived in one roof.
Anyway, the medicines, did not help and just aided me to take them in high doses and quantities when my grandfather who is a father to me and who i love deeply died on my arms due to heart attack, and I was blamed for his death by bringing him to the wrong hospital...all i know is I did what I had to do.
That moment woke me up, after experiencing that excruciating phase of OD-ing. I really thought Im going to die which I guess is the purpose.Leaving the house helped (i think) and I worked doubly hard. Got my break in 2007 and felt really happy then.
In mid 2009, I felt I had burnout and took a leave for a month to look for a diffrent job. I met someone in the net and went to see him in Europe. Spent the holidays around and had a great time.
Til I got home Jan 8 to a sick mother in the hospital. She was rushed Jan 4 and operated that time. I stayed with her and became her caregiver. She was diagnosed to have cancer on my birthday.
I took care of her, managed her bills, her medicines, her food. Everything. I signed all her forms and held her hand at night when shes in a lot of pain. I stopped going to work to focus more on her. I had her room renovated to make it livable for her. I believe I did everything to make her well.
Come April 21, she was gone and I was there.
I went back to work a few days after i buried her. I can't be still with my thoughts. But night time is the hardest. And one night time. I took her opioids (whats left from her meds) and drank everything.
I was down for 3 days. And a friend took care of me as I dont want to be rushed to the hospital for an embarassing incident.
Though I dont feel remorse doing it. Im just embarassed to be alive to relive my failures. But I dont mind putting meds in my mouth.
Come June I met another guy online while I was going thru some changes spiritually. I had a one on one catholic retreat and felt it did help. I also went to see the guy and it was an amazing experience. For the first time in years I felt happy and it showed.I thought it was God's plan for me. And so I veered away from vices and other unhealthy activities.
Now, the guy faded along with my faith. I was drawn to friends who are undergoing cancer. I was giving them suggestions advices with medicines or contacts. But then one of my friends mother died recently.
I found myself grieving again.
Hence the Leaden paralysis, if its true.
SORRY FOR THIS LONG MESSAGE. THIS IS IT. ME, EVERYTHING I KNOW AND WHO I AM.
AFTER MEDS AND FAITH.. TO EPIC FAIL.
WHATS NEXT???THE WORST FEELING I HAVE NOW IS THAT NO ONE IS REALLY HOLDING ME TO THE GROUND. NO MOM, NO DAD. I FEEL I CAN DO ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY THE BAD. IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR LOVE ANYWHERE. AND GETTING HURT AGAIN AND AGAIN.
I AM MOSTLY ALONE
AND THE FRIENDS I HAD THEN WERE ALL MARRIED AND HAD A LIFE OF THEIR OWN.
AND IT SUCKS. LIVING THIS LIFE.
I THINK I AM DONE. I RAISED NIECES AND NEPHEWS, RAISED A MOM, A GRAND DAD.
AND NOW, I HAVE NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN LIFE. I HAVE NO PURPOSE.
AND TALKING GOD, WILL NOT HELP, BELIEVE ME, IVE GONE THROUGH THAT...
WHAT IS NEXT?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
poster:sookie
thread:962450
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100908/msgs/962450.html