Posted by linkadge on July 25, 2010, at 15:42:39
In reply to Re: toxic crap » 49er, posted by morgan miller on July 25, 2010, at 12:44:16
Do I feel better on meds???...define better?
Better in that I can't feel pain; in that emotions and drives are blunted; in that I am filled with a extremely shallow unidimentional sense of 'well being';..yes. But I feel worse too, in that I feel detached from myself - like my mind is being controlled and that everything I experience is a watered down version of its former self.
Off meds, sure I feel low, pessimistic and anxious but there is still (somehow) more richness to life. Somehow, I feel more in control.
Sure SSRI's worked in my adolecence, but as I grow older I have started to have more complex thought patterns. There are parts of me, I just don't want the drugs to shut off any longer. Thats why most AD's make me feel worse. Its not the akathesia, its the fact that they cheapen the quality of life for me. They take a way too much. Perhaps, I like feeling pain.
I keep thinking of the movie, Ordinary People. Like when the psychiatrist says to Conrad, "if you can feel pain, you can't expect to feel anything else". Nowdays the whole family would be on SSRI's. But that woundn't make make for a good plot, now would it? Thats the way I am on drugs, a life with no plot.
I really don't give a crap what people on this board think. You should all know that by now. If the drugs are a good tradeoff for you, then by all means keep taking them.
Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, maybe I'll feel worse. Thats about the only thing that makes life worth living, the *capacity for change*. On meds there is no change. Its the same damn shallow flaky mood day in day out.
Thats why most of us are on this board. We are just looking for ways that things might change.
I care for my brain too much to perminantly screw it up now. Better meds will come out. Ones that don't demand so high stakes; and when they do, I want to be fully there to experience it.
Messing around with this garbage for too much longer is just going to make me more resistant (yeah, a bold an ultimately unsubstantiated opinion I realize, but one I believe). My neural pathways for rich human experience will have become so atrophied by the continual bombardment from the daily exposure to ultraphysiological levels of the neurotransmitter du jour.
Linkadge
poster:linkadge
thread:955512
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100720/msgs/955876.html