Posted by Enigma on May 1, 2010, at 9:55:16
In reply to Re: Nardil failing - bedridden, depressed, suicida, posted by floatingbridge on April 29, 2010, at 18:14:40
> Enigma, how are you doing?
>
> fbThanks for asking.
For the last week or more, I've been fairly good, well, good in relative terms for a bipolar sufferer. I haven't been crying or sleeping all day, but, still getting fairly depressed here and there and taking long naps, or going to bed at 6pm-8pm, just cause I can't find enjoyment in doing anything else. Sometimes I still get up, eat something, then go right back to bed.
But the suicidal thoughts are gone, well, at least most of them, and no my crying spells, for now, I know they will be back again someday.
The cruel joke is that some days I feel like I could work again, but then the next day, unexpectantly (sp?) I go downhill, and that nixes that idea. My constant up/down shifts keep me from having a "normal" life, and as a family, we desperately need the money my software engineering career (now dead) used to bring in.
I basically feel like an 80 year old man these days. Except, I still enjoy going out at night, but I have no friends that are available to do this with. It's tough at 40 to act like you're 20-30, which I still like to do. There's not much else I really enjoy doing, anymore. Video games on my PC kill some time, and watching movies at home when I can get in the mood.
For some reason, I don't like doing anything by myself. I always want someone with me to watch a movie, play video games, go shopping, etc. It's like I have this fear of being alone, or I know when I'm alone and not talking to someone, the depression is much worse. When I spend time with people I like, I don't think of my depression as much. It's hard for me to get into a car and go to the mall by myself. Now that my marriage is failing, I try to drag one of my kids with me, but not my wife anymore. I have no best friend to speak of, and that hurts A LOT. I need male bonding time, but every guy I know is "too busy", giving me every excuse in the book why they can't hang out. It's really depressing going through life without anyone to talk to, especially about how I'm feeling.
Again, thank you, mr. complete stranger, for asking the question that alludes ALL the friends I've had in years. Not one (no lie) has asked how my illness is going... sad.
poster:Enigma
thread:944558
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100425/msgs/945855.html