Posted by uncouth on January 15, 2010, at 14:47:46
I'm scared.
I'm starting work next week, at a small startup. It isn't Google, where I used to work (and left 2 years ago during a crushing depression -- i felt too GUILTY to take a leave!), but it's something, and in this economy it's been tough finding a job.
But I'm scared.
The past year has been a nightmere. I've been confined to my bed for most of it, with no energy, no will, no drive or desire. No fun (my pdoc says I need to exercise those hedonistic circuits or they'll atrophy! well mine are atrophied for sure), no love, just crushing depression. I had ECT in the springtime, 22 sessions, and I wanted to kill myself for a good portion of the year.
In one sense, I feel I've come very far. But in another sense, I'm scared. Scared that i'll fall flat on my face at work. Scared I won't like the job (i didn't like my google job, and that was AT GOOGLE). I'm scared I won't do well, that the depression I'm still dealing with will make it hard to work, hard to sustain attention, hard to be on top of it. I'm scared moving back to the city from my parents house will be lonely, and I won't have the drive or the MOOD to make new friends.
I'm so scared, because I don't feel excited about this job. I'm scared, because I'm trying to quit smoking, and changing meds at the same time. I'm scared of being alone, of reaching age 30 without someone in my life. Spending my weekends alone, afraid, depressed...in bed, like is my pattern.
Thankfully I haven't had suicidal thoughts the past few months. Zyprexa has helped with that. But in the past week, after seeing a girl I once (still am) in love with, I've started feeling that sense of futility, that 'what's the point', the sense that the future won't be any better than the present, and that the pain will just continue.
I feel like sh*t because I should be enjoying my life and living my life. It's a waste...there are people dying in Haiti, living in the midst of a calamity, and I can barely get out of bed. And when I do, it's usually to smoke a cigarette.
So I'm scared. I'm scared I'll fall into the pit of suicidal depression again. I'm scared I'll never fall in love / be fit enough to love. I'm scared all the things I was supposedly promised in life, one by one have been taken from me. And I'm scared that there's nothing left.
Maybe a doctor would call what i'm feeling just prozac-induced anxiety from starting that med. But to me it feels like a looming sense of doom, a crushing despair, and pathological hopelessness.
Thanks for reading. I have no questions, I just needed to write this on this forum. So many have offered so much support in my previous posts over the past year. Thank you. I guess even though things are looking up for me in some way, the depression is preventing me from seeing it, and I just feel fear. Seems unfair, to not enjoy your recovery.
I'm scared.
-uncouth
poster:uncouth
thread:933776
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100113/msgs/933776.html