Posted by SLS on January 15, 2009, at 9:17:32
In reply to Re: How much do we really know to say that we know, posted by uncouth on January 14, 2009, at 19:53:58
> I know that right now, I feel like things are hopeless, and that my life is a failure, and that I'll never find anyone to love me, and that I've squandered every opportunity that i've ever gotten,
It is crucial that you maintain the insight that this is "right now" and that you "feel" like things are hopeless. Right now, I feel the same way. During my switch from one drug to another, I have had my depression gradually return.
What you did here is courageous and healthy:
> and that i'm spending too much time thinking about myself, and that i'm self-absorbed in my own depression by even writing these words, and I feel like i'd rather die than live a life that's going to feel like this most of the time, and I know that the constant thoughts: of my own funeral, of killing myself with a rope on my bed, of writing a suicide note that goes on and on, and writing the content in my head during the day, I know that all of this, all of this, can be responsive to medicine, the right medicine, but that it takes time for medicine to work, and that i must endure this level of suffering, and the suffering over the suffering itself, and the pain of ruminating over the pain, and of the special shame of knowing that ruminating over the depression feels better than sometimes picking yourself up and doing something positive. I know I must endure all of this
God bless your positive resolve:
> because someday, somehow, I will find the right combination that will give me my life back.
> What sort of life it will give me back, i'm not sure, and it scares me when I think about my old life, and my potentially new life, and how they may be very different.
The uncertainty can be scary and exciting at the same time. The real unknown is, "Who is Me? Who am I and what am I like without the depression that I am so familiar with? How will it feel? How will I behave? What decisions will I make? Will I really have the power to build a happy life?"
> So that's what I know, and that's all I know. Everything else (tianeptine's a miracle! parnate's the key! ssri's are the devil's work!) i'm deciding to be less judgemental about, trust my doctor more, and stop using myself as a guinea pig.
Gosh. What huge insights!
> -Uncouth, trying to hold on tightly in the face of immense pain, sadness, regret, sorrows, fears, and heartbreak. (Somehow all of this can exist at the same time). Please pray for me, the next week is going to be difficult (in the middle of my 14 day washout from Parnate before I try pristiq).
I will indeed pray for you.
- Scott
poster:SLS
thread:873932
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090104/msgs/874130.html