Posted by uncouth on January 14, 2009, at 19:53:58
In reply to Re: How much do we really know to say that we know?, posted by ricker on January 14, 2009, at 18:54:27
I know that right now, I feel like things are hopeless, and that my life is a failure, and that I'll never find anyone to love me, and that I've squandered every opportunity that i've ever gotten, and that i'm spending too much time thinking about myself, and that i'm self-absorbed in my own depression by even writing these words, and I feel like i'd rather die than live a life that's going to feel like this most of the time, and I know that the constant thoughts: of my own funeral, of killing myself with a rope on my bed, of writing a suicide note that goes on and on, and writing the content in my head during the day, I know that all of this, all of this, can be responsive to medicine, the right medicine, but that it takes time for medicine to work, and that i must endure this level of suffering, and the suffering over the suffering itself, and the pain of ruminating over the pain, and of the special shame of knowing that ruminating over the depression feels better than sometimes picking yourself up and doing something positive. I know I must endure all of this because someday, somehow, I will find the right combination that will give me my life back.
What sort of life it will give me back, i'm not sure, and it scares me when I think about my old life, and my potentially new life, and how they may be very different.
And that's why I don't go through with what my mind obsesses about all the time when things get very bad (as they are right now).
So that's what I know, and that's all I know. Everything else (tianeptine's a miracle! parnate's the key! ssri's are the devil's work!) i'm deciding to be less judgemental about, trust my doctor more, and stop using myself as a guinea pig.
-Uncouth, trying to hold on tightly in the face of immense pain, sadness, regret, sorrows, fears, and heartbreak. (Somehow all of this can exist at the same time). Please pray for me, the next week is going to be difficult (in the middle of my 14 day washout from Parnate before I try pristiq).
poster:uncouth
thread:873932
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090104/msgs/874041.html