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Is this SAD? Feel like the guy in Clockwork Orange

Posted by Girlnterrupted78 on October 22, 2008, at 3:43:30

Is this social anxiety? I'm still bewildered by what's wrong with me.

I had heard of the movie "The Clockwork Orange" for several years, but just recently I got to watch it. And I realized, after watching it, that I feel extremly similar to the guy in the movie--who went through a brainwashing or 'programming' after being jailed, in order to stop him from committing crime.

He was programmed to feel physically ill whenever he felt violent or about to sexually abuse somebody.

Well, I don't feel as physically ill, but I do feel extreme distress in social situations. It's not really anxiety.. but a complete shutdown of my positive personality traits, my creativity, my ability to be happy and enjoy myself, my sense of well-being, EVERYTHING --they are all simply gone and replaced with feelings of sadness, hopelessness, discomfort, distress and an urge to run away from the situation.

This might have been caused by emotional abuse by my parents as a child. My entire household was plagued with emotional abuse.

The question now is, how do I get rid of this? It was a "training" that went on for several years, during my childhood years, and which shaped my personality.

I've tried tons of antidepressants, and the ONLY one that almost completely eliminated that "programming" was Celexa. But it only lasted a year, and now after trying dozens of others, nothing has worked. I just lost hope. I feel my brain chemistry is destroyed.

Is there any kind of re-training to feel different in social situations? I have worked a lot on my self-esteem and in correcting all the misconceptions I had of myself based on my father's emotional abuse ( He said I had no friends, I'd never get married, I was ugly, I sucked, I should be dead, etc..) I've tried therapy, but it hasn't done a thing. How could an hour a week of talking could possibly correct something like this? We need to be realistic here.

And even though I already came to terms with all that abuse, the symptoms that resulted remain in my system and won't go away.

How do I get rid of them?? Please help, this has ruined my entire life, and will continue unless I do something fast. Every pdoc I've seen couldn't care less and procrastinates on trying new things, some just keep me on the med that didn't work and refuse to try verified ways of augmentation.. and fool me by giving me lower dosages that they know don't work.. they just don't care. Where do I go from here?

Any advice appreciated..


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poster:Girlnterrupted78 thread:858708
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20081016/msgs/858708.html