Posted by yxibow on October 20, 2008, at 1:49:09
In reply to Re: The WORST I've ever been, posted by Fivefires on October 18, 2008, at 11:09:47
> > Five Fires been gone all day pdocs. Are you on too much effexor?
>
> i can't tell anymore ...
>
> Does pdoc know what's going on?
>
> i don't think he knows how serious this is 'cuz you have 'to see me in it' and I don't do it deliberately, but when I'm out at appt., I guard, stand tall, act together, all that.How about acting just how you are. "Guard", "standing tall", sure, we all try to act with reasonable decorum in public, but if you actually could bring out some of these feelings in your psychiatrist's office by being yourself, if I can say that with the neutrality I mean it, maybe more work could be done to help yourself come out of it. Its hard to come out of a "shut-in" or block-out-the-world state, but it -is- possible. Some of it is very subconscious and based on other psychological issues you may be having, but some of it is in your hands (and I say this as I try to figure out ways in my mind of doing things myself like walking around the block consistently as I need to), by doing, you chip away slowly at the things that are hurting you, and hurting yourself (that wasn't an insult), and you are that more a winner.
I know, I'm reading into it things from my life which may not be in yours -- but we all do have a power to persuade and encourage our own self esteem, its just tightly locked it some.
I don't believe you do it deliberately at all. I have a hard time at the moment doing the work I need to do to on a project that is supposed to set me forward and a lot of work is ended up being done with my therapist when I need to be doing it personally, like I had started at the beginning.
My depression has gone considerably up and I'm likely to be found especially on weekends hiding from life in the sofa or my bedroom or back to my computer, outside for a few minutes, and rinse and repeat.
> I feel like I'm going to wither away and die in my sleep or something. No s, h, or psychosis. Just no one; too alone; no one cares very much. Guess pp do pass away at middle age, just never in my FOO.
But this... hmm... its going to sound very dull or maybe even crass... this focuses only on the negative of everything. People pass away when they do, there's no given guarantee, but while we are in this temporary existence anyhow, is it possible to envision at all some positive future or even break it down much further and make a list of just 5 skills or hobbies or things you enjoy, never mind if you don't now?
And as far as your loved ones -- who knows, maybe they don't know either how to help you, but if I may be crass, this will sound really hurtful, but it hurts a lot and it will take time to get there, but turn it around and say so what to that, then.
Do the work to get yourself outside the house, or when you are actually outside your house, I challenge another list or idea, which is certainly common in depression, those hobbies or skills -- why not look on something like craigslist or any interpersonal site or however you might prefer, and find some organization or group that also likes those hobbies.Who knows, you might find a friend. And that is more valuable than you would ever think.
Its not a battle between good and evil, I mean, maybe it is in your mind, I can certainly understand that, its a battle against turning the way one looks at the world against itself and using that to your advantage. If you're really down, what do you have to lose but go up?
Saying this isn't easy because I have an attachment to a past that, through rosy lenses at times was "a much better time", but not all of it was, there were challenges, a lot of it was very good -- but things all change, people move on, and life presents its obstacles. As is supposedly said by Yogi Berra, when you see a fork, take it.-- best wishes
Jay
poster:yxibow
thread:853750
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20081016/msgs/858361.html