Posted by satsumas on May 2, 2008, at 21:08:06
In reply to Re: Emsam switching to Effexor question NEED HELP!, posted by bleauberry on May 2, 2008, at 18:07:36
Thanks for the kind words.
I wonder sometimes if my faith is weak, relying on all these medications instead of throwing them away and just relying on God. I wonder if this is part of my sin, focusing too much on myself and what i'm currently "on" instead of focusing on God and his message. I wonder, especially given the fact that no medication has ever made me truly "well" if it is not a biological problem at all and if my spirit is simply weak. But I admit that these are not thoughts I try to harbor often as they only lead to more self-blame.
I agree and do get inspiration from the Bible especially the stories of pain and endurance. For a book and religious tradition so based on love and and trust there is an awful number of stories of abject pain and suffering. I try to trust God's plan but the depression itself makes the actualization of faith so difficult sometimes. I guess that's part of the challenge...if it was easy, it wouldn't have meaning. I HAVE been meditating a bit in my prayers on the nature of what faith and trust in adversity really means...and im coming to the conclusion that such faith and trust is easy to have in situations that are bad, but without depression. But it's in the depressive state when such trust seems empty and unfulfilled, where the faith is weak, when one doesn't even know what it means to trust and have faith for the will is weak regardless. Does it mean to put on a happy face despite the pain? Does it mean to do things with others despite wanting to hole up in bed? Does it mean to actively hope for a future worth living when hope itself seems to be actually malfunctioning? I don't know.
All I know is that i'm at the prime of my life, 28, with intelligence and gifts and resources and capacities and options and opportunities, and I look at the past few years with sadness of what this illness has caused me to miss out on, on the fact that this illness has made it so hard, so very hard to enjoy the gifts that i've been given and to take advantage of the opportunities and responsibilities i've been presented with. And the hope for a future that is different from the recent past dims with each day of feeling this way.
It's been especially sad to see, to get a glimpse, of the DESIRE, for at least a relationship, for the libido that is different than the mechanics of sexual functioning, that I didn't realize was gone for so long. The Emsam gave me some of that back, despite screwing with everything else. To see how I have rationalized away the desire for engaging with others socially or romantically past few years, well, its nothing short of heartbreaking. But I guess I can also say that the realization is also hopeful...that what I thought was just "me" may have been a part of the disease state I just didn't recognize, though wow, I thought I had known all corners of what this illness (or if it isnt an illness, my personality) did to me.
It's almost like once you get the hint of getting better, the abject sadness of the loss of the years past rears its ugly head and makes the getting better a much sadder process than one might think.
poster:satsumas
thread:826673
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20080430/msgs/826915.html