Posted by liliths on February 3, 2008, at 11:45:19
I'm scared and I'm desperate. I've become unable to go out of the house... yet I don't identify with the supposed definition of agoraphobia... I don't feel fear about going out... I simply don't want to do anything. I wish I were dead. I know that 'doing' something, anything, will make me feel better, but the truth is I don't care enough to follow through. It's like I don't want to feel better - I feel as if I've given up. I no longer want to 'get better'. I don't think I trust or belief in it anymore.
I've been diagnosed with add, depression and anxiety and have been on medication for years. I had a very bad protracted experience after a long intense year of going back to school, after which I had to battle the state for my license simply because I admitted to being treated for depression. Had I just said nothing, I would have automatically just gotten the damn thing and who knows where I might be right now. Instead I spent a year fighting for my rights and though I came close to winning, I didn't. I had to accept being 'monitored' and it feels like the experience just broke something in me. It separated me from my education and goals long enough that I already forgot most of what I'd learned. My ability to concentrate and re-learn anything is nil... and despite every good intention to get my s**t together, I just don't or can't try. I don't want to even do it anymore... I don't seem to want to 'do' anything. I'm even too lazy to kill myself, too afraid of any result other than success (what a nightmare that would make!!!), too lazy to get my affairs in order, too lazy to pay attention to any single goal long enough to carry it out.
what can I do to at least start to go out of the house? I've made promises with myself (we ALL know how those go!), agreements & pacts with others & simply just can't follow through. Every day just takes me that much deeper into hell.
I'm totally broke. I'm middle aged, my life is behind me... I really just want out. I keep praying for a 'deadly' disease to do the work for me
and I apologize for this ranting email because I know there's nothing anyone can do about this. I realize all I've done is send out a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that.
but I just had to tell someone...
if you've gotten this far.. thank you listeningnamaste,
liliths
poster:liliths
thread:810489
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20080124/msgs/810489.html