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I'm Sorry

Posted by Fivefires on August 25, 2007, at 18:38:12

In reply to Re: My Feelings Are Hurt » Fivefires, posted by Squiggles on August 24, 2007, at 17:07:18

I see by many notifications in my inbox, my assessment of intentionally being ignored, was so wrong.

When I’m feeling bad inside, it’s difficult for me to see what’s real outside. I’ve been trying, but floundering. I’ve been feeling tremendous ‘need’ for months.

Somewhere recently, read or heard, ‘things are not as they seem’. I’ve thought a lot about this. It’s been a big comfort to believe this is true, because I’ve been feeling so awful for quite some time.

(I’m sorry responded so late, but I had to take a giant step backwards to see ‘what the heck’ my point truly was here (?) and if it was of any worth for me or for you all who’ve taken your time to respond.(?)

Loss of support (not you all) has left me clawing for some attention.

And, so, here, I’ve behaved in the worst way. I’ve manipulated you who mean so much to me, in this, ‘very immature and incorrect way’ of eliciting good feelings about myself! And, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say, I’ve wished to be made to feel, I’m very important. You deserve so much better. You’ve been here for me through some most horrible times over the past years, and I thank you this way??? I’ve been a confused pain in the as*!!! The term ‘ideation of grandiosity’ is sadly coming to my mind here. I am so very sorry!

In the best of times, I have a tendency to follow my heart, so getting tangled up in heartstrings and keeping my head on straight at the same time is never easy for me. My point is, in better times, I speak and act as best I can by believing in myself, seeing things as they are, and mostly, I try to give back at least a little of all the help I’ve received from my relationships with you here. When I’m not as ‘messed up’ as I’ve been for a spell now, I even search for creative ways to share optimism and good thoughts, and nourish good relationships.

Last week, some of you may know, I thought some people were being hurt by their peers and was very worried, but as hard as I tried to insert my thoughts to make things better, I just kept ‘sticking my foot in my mouth’. I often feel a need to step into the middle of a disagreement which has nothing to do with me, instead of minding my own business.

It has come to be a trait, in my personality, to behave as I can do all and be all. I think this stems from fear to be anything less is ‘not good enough’.

I recall happy times when I would characterize myself as just a good person and this was just quite enough for me, and I had good relationships. They’re gone. I can’t find ‘me’ either! I see myself in nightmares, being treated in an unkind manner and responding w/ confusion, and I awaken confused.

I fear I’ve caused you to feel deliberately unkind or inconsiderate. I wish ‘I’d thought’ before pressing the send button. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t aware I’d been feeling terrible. It was ‘the s-word w/ six letters’.

I’ll stop ‘this grandstanding’ here by saying I began an atypical antipsychotic Weds, 4days ago, just 5mg Abilify. But, I’d been really leery of doing this. I was scared to take one of these neuroleptics, because, my witty wonderful 85y/o g-mother was given Haldol in an ER and became a ‘vegetable’; what’s proper word; dementia? I read re: neuroleptic malignant syndrome and it was a ‘light bulb moment’. Are there are other possible bad reactions to atypical or typical antipsychotics ( neuroleptics)..

I’m w/o IRL support and I need you guys if you’ll still have me.

If my prayers are answered and my living feels like a gift again, instead of mistake after missache, I’m going to remember this and how you were here for me.

5f


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Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:Fivefires thread:777919
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070824/msgs/778622.html