Posted by Johann on May 22, 2007, at 2:37:58
In reply to Returning to the Universe, posted by Guy on May 21, 2007, at 13:36:36
A few years ago I hospitalized myself because intense anxiety and depression left me thinking about suicide almost every minute. I was having a mixed episode and wasn't taking the right medications. (As an aside, being in the hospital was one of the most untherapeutic, negative experiences I've ever had. If there is ever a next time, I am going to the Ritz and seeing my psychiatrist daily. It would less expensive and more helpful--seriously.)
However, still dealing with PTSD and painful anxiety leaves me wishing it could just all be over. I think of myself sometimes as a battery that is running down.
I really do love life, and maybe this makes it all the harder. Who knows. I keep hoping things will turn around significantly (and they did some when lithium took a chunk out of my depression). But I'm glad I have a stockpile of meds should I feel the need. (There's no way I could have a gun around; the impulsive potential of it would overwhelm my defenses.) However, I don't want my mother to have to live through her son's death, of possible.
I once had a dream of old folks being absorbed into gelatinous cave walls. At first I thought it was a negative image, but now I think of it as being absorbed back into the earth, or Universe. It helps me with the thought of death, whatever the cause.
> First of all, let me say that I am not currently suicidal and have no plans to end my life in the immediate future. Nevertheless, I have recently noticed that I am gaining an acceptance of the fact that the unrelenting anxiety and panic I have experienced over the past eleven years may eventually take my life. In other words, my fear of death seems to be subsiding as I become more resigned to my fate. After all, I would just be returning to where I came from, and what's so scary about that? My poor aunt, who suffered terribly from some horrible upset of her brain chemistry didn't hesitate in bringing it all to an end. I saw her shortly before her death and now understand perfectly why she made the choice she did. No suffering in the world can be more unbearable than the type of electrical storm that was going on in her central nervous system. I'm just wondering if others sometimes reach a point of pure exhaustion and defeat where they no longer care if they ever wake up again...where the will to live is all but extinguished. Again, please do not see this as a last, desperate call for help. I'm just wondering, on a spiritual level, if others feel this way and how they deal with it.