Posted by Racer on August 16, 2006, at 5:30:30
In reply to How do you know when you're really going to do it?, posted by RN320 on August 12, 2006, at 11:17:14
I'm sorry -- I couldn't read all of your post, so this may not track well. I'll read the rest when I have some synaptic activity going on.
How do you know? Hard question, but here's something based solely on my own experience: there's a huge difference between suicidal ideation and being suicidal. I get both, so I do have some experience there. When I am experiencing suicidal ideation, I may think I really want to do it -- but I don't. I just want the pain to stop, I want to feel better, but I want to continue to feel.
When I'm actually suicidal, though? Nope. I just don't care, I would rather not feel anything ever again.
That doesn't sound so different, really, but it is. There's a big gulf between the two. Problem is, once you build a bridge to the other side, it's pretty darned hard to tear it back down. Once you accept the idea of self-murder as a viable option, it's very hard to move back to where it isn't acceptable anymore. I used to think it wasn't possible at all, but now I think it might be. I find lately that I am having a lot of suicidal ideation -- but am not actually considering suicide as an option anymore. It's taken a lot, though.
From the bit I've read, though, I gotta say I'm not terribly impressed by your T. There's no guaranteed type for suicide, and what you're describing needs to be taken seriously. You've done a lot of things that make me worry for you. What worries me most, is that you've put things in place so that you might feel it's OK to do something impulsive, and that's most dangerous. If you know that there's nothing left undone, and it sounds as though that's where you are, that makes an impulsive act so much more likely.
The urge to drive into water, though, sounds like something else to me. I have a problem with high places -- there's a pedestrian bridge near me that I have the hardest time walking over, since the railing is so low, and I have this fear that I'll throw myself over. That's not being suicidal, though -- that's a form of anxiety. I've read that it's that fear that's behind a fear of heights for many people. Maybe treating the anxiety would help reduce that fear for you? (For what it's worth, I have OCD, so the fear of throwing myself over the railing may be related to that...)
If it helps, though, my cats have kept me alive twice now. Each time, I realized that no one would take my big cat, my beloved cat, and that I'd really have to take him with me if I did it. I couldn't do that, though. He deserved to live, even if I could face it anymore. Now I'm glad, since we've had many more years together. I urge you to concentrate on your cats, on whether you could really do that to them?
I strongly urge you to express this, again, to your T and your pdoc. If they still don't take you seriously, consider firing them. Believe me -- that's a very empowering option for you...
I hope this finds you feeling a bit better. Your cats deserve a good, long life. My monster is 18 now...
poster:Racer
thread:675823
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060810/msgs/676992.html