Posted by bigcat on January 6, 2006, at 23:59:56
In reply to Cycling » bigcat, posted by Tomatheus on January 6, 2006, at 20:40:57
Thomaseus and Ed:
You are both absolutely right. It's rapid cycling hardcore. I don't doubt that slightly. I was out of control at work today. Talking more than I have in YEARS combined, literally. I was blatantly hitting on a soon-to-be-wed girl, just soo darn intense, but... brilliant. Yes this may be hypo or manic grandiosity, but there is an element of truth in it. I wrote an email this morning that outlined my political and moral views as I've never been able to express in more than some disassociated phrases, brewing for what seems like a lifetime of inablility to communicate whatsoever. I simply can't believe how my brain is working now. I see through every delusion in life. But alas, this is somewhwat delusional I understand. I'm even viewing the worst of times in a positive light. But, as you said, it's been a WHILE since something this profound has happened to me.I'm a bipolar who only goes hypomanic (or a handful of times full-blown manic) when introducoing new, or high levels of an AD. Nardil and Marplan- initial hypomania (mania on the Marplan). Dexedrene (90mgs)- extremely manic for months. Grandiose delusions. A messianic delusion while on recreational drugs (VERY potent pot, like nothing I've ever inhaled, or even sniffed from a distance). I do feel short of breathe, restless, and twithy now. Is the symptoim "akasthesia"(??). But my ability to concentrate and accomplish things that I've put off as monumental, unthinkable efforts for years, I'm doing at the drop of the hat. I'm insanely creative, and once again grandiose. But it feels so good to be on the other side of the horror, even if it is fleeting. I do think whatever it is will seriously help me understand and deconstruct my depression somewhat better in the future so I can help myself help myself. I'm totally entranced by Buddhist philosophy now, and relate it to every moment.
I appreciate your concern so deeply. I know it is out of care for my well-being that you regretfully, but strongly warned that I may be cycling. Now that I know this, what should I do? Ed, I've backed the Effexor from 600 to 525, Lamictal kept at 225, Buspar at 20. That's my combo. Been taking thorazine and ambien for sleep since I ran out of my sure-bet sleep med, 400-800mgs Seroquel an hour before wanting sleep. I need some, the Mabien and Thorazine aren't helping, but Seroquel is too expensive. I'll "procure" samples anyway I can, and soon. What other suggestions besides possibly adding Lithiuim (?) and obviously backing off the Effexor significantly?? My dad/doc said today that I may only need 37.5 twice a day! I couldn't believe it as I'm so indoctrinated into thinking that more is better, but Effexor may be one that needs a very careful dose tweak. Anyway, I'm hopeful this will resolve itself, and grateful for moments when I don't consider myself a completely worthless and pathetic failure and burden. The plan is to stay on the Effexor, Lamictal and Buspar, backing off the Effexor how much a day/week would you say? See how it goes, or make a drastic reduction and risk an atrocious withdrawal?? I know when I was moving the Effexor dose up and up every few days I was cycling awfully, but my ups were good, not perfect, and my downs were utter despair.
Once again, thank you both for telling me what I already knew, but still have a hard time admitting, because I feel indominably powerful. I have no doubt that Mania is what drove men like Hitler and van Gogh. The energy is so unpredictable, and enhances cognitive functions above a capacity comprehensible to those unfamiliar with the experience. I will admit that the power and freedom are intoxicating, but wearisome. BUUUUTTTTT, maybe things will even out and I'll get the best of both worlds, calm and clairvoyant, steady and stable. Who knows. Right now it's very hard to care. Worry is all I've known for so awfully long. Could the Buspar be the magic bullet?????
Thomaseus- what MAOI is working for you? Nardil is beautiful for me for about a week, and then pisses out each time, even at 90mgs. Marplan rocketed me to the moon on the fourth trial, after three unsucessful attempts, and faded over a couple months into so-so, then nothing.
Eagerly awaiting your responses and demands that I take some downs and Lithiums right about now. I'm hitting up 100-200mgs Thorazine for sleep now. It's all I have. I don't want to take Elavil for rest and screw with the AD combo any more than I have to. Thanks and much love...
-matt-
> Matt,
>
> It is with strong but mixed emotions that I reply to your post. On one hand, I find your post deeply inspiring because I can only imagine how wonderful it must feel to finally achieve remission after years of unsuccessful medication trials. From reading some of your posts, it's my impression that you've struggled terribly in your pursuit of remission, and I find it overjoying to read that you've been able to persevere in the face of so much suffering.
>
> But as overjoyed and inspired as I felt from reading your post, I also came across it with a terrible sense of concern. My concern is basically the same as Ed's, only I speak from my experience with medication-induced cycling. Some of your statements eerily reminded me of my experience with Paxil, especially these two:
>
> > The nature of life is change, and you're doing it right now, and desperate spirals out of control can help the occasional good time feel like the most serene, wonderful gift imaginable.
>
> > The Effexor has been teasing me, coming in with an amazing rush and fading out miserably.
>
> The words and phrases that you used to describe your remission (i.e., "the most serene, wonderful gift imaginable," "an amazing rush") perfectly describe my Paxil-induced hypomanic periods. My response to Paxil was somewhat inconsistent from the beginning, but when I got up to a higher dose (I believe it was 60mg/day), I began experiencing a pattern of definite cycling - hypomanic periods that lasted three to four days followed immediately by depressive periods that lasted just as long. My hypomanic periods did not involve the reckless and dangerous behavior (things such as spending sprees and hypersexual behavior) that tend to accompany hypomania and full-blown mania. My hypomanic periods were relatively mild, but it was the euphoric type of hypomania that I felt, as opposed to the agitated/irritable type. I basically felt happy to be alive on a continuous basis, and I was more productive academically and occupationally than I had ever been. My happiness seemed to be contagious, as people liked to be around me a lot more than I usually do when I'm just depressed and in my own world. It was intoxicating, a perfect way to live, and if it weren't for the fact that I felt terribly depressed as often as I felt hypomanic, I probably would have fought tooth-and-nail to stay on the Paxil indefinitely. But of course, it became impossible to function in the everyday world and to make any plans when I was feeling too depressed to do much of anything half of the time. As wonderful as I felt and as productive as I was when I was hypomanic, the depression was always inevitable. So, of course I had to stop the Paxil, and at that point I was presumed bipolar and put on a series of medications that basically just made me feel worse, and now I've finally discovered a class of antidepressants (MAOIs) that can actually do some good on their own without triggering cycling or hypomania.
>
> Now, as I said, I've read some of your other posts, and I'm aware that you've been through just about every medication out there. So, it sounds like you have more experience than I do in this whole process of trial and error, which means that you probably know more overall about meds than I do. And of course, there is no doubt in my mind that you know yourself and how you respond to meds better than I possibly could. I really, *really* hope you're right in saying that what you're experiencing is a true remission. You definitely deserve no less. But I do have some serious concerns that you may be experiencing some medication-induced cycling. And even if your "ups" aren't the least bit dangerous, please be aware that you *may* be on the roller coaster ride of rapid cycling -- a ride in which depression is just as inevitable as the bliss that you're experiencing now.
>
> Tomatheus
poster:bigcat
thread:595776
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051231/msgs/596089.html