Posted by Tomatheus on January 6, 2006, at 20:40:57
In reply to FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by bigcat on January 6, 2006, at 11:03:21
Matt,
It is with strong but mixed emotions that I reply to your post. On one hand, I find your post deeply inspiring because I can only imagine how wonderful it must feel to finally achieve remission after years of unsuccessful medication trials. From reading some of your posts, it's my impression that you've struggled terribly in your pursuit of remission, and I find it overjoying to read that you've been able to persevere in the face of so much suffering.
But as overjoyed and inspired as I felt from reading your post, I also came across it with a terrible sense of concern. My concern is basically the same as Ed's, only I speak from my experience with medication-induced cycling. Some of your statements eerily reminded me of my experience with Paxil, especially these two:
> The nature of life is change, and you're doing it right now, and desperate spirals out of control can help the occasional good time feel like the most serene, wonderful gift imaginable.
> The Effexor has been teasing me, coming in with an amazing rush and fading out miserably.
The words and phrases that you used to describe your remission (i.e., "the most serene, wonderful gift imaginable," "an amazing rush") perfectly describe my Paxil-induced hypomanic periods. My response to Paxil was somewhat inconsistent from the beginning, but when I got up to a higher dose (I believe it was 60mg/day), I began experiencing a pattern of definite cycling - hypomanic periods that lasted three to four days followed immediately by depressive periods that lasted just as long. My hypomanic periods did not involve the reckless and dangerous behavior (things such as spending sprees and hypersexual behavior) that tend to accompany hypomania and full-blown mania. My hypomanic periods were relatively mild, but it was the euphoric type of hypomania that I felt, as opposed to the agitated/irritable type. I basically felt happy to be alive on a continuous basis, and I was more productive academically and occupationally than I had ever been. My happiness seemed to be contagious, as people liked to be around me a lot more than I usually do when I'm just depressed and in my own world. It was intoxicating, a perfect way to live, and if it weren't for the fact that I felt terribly depressed as often as I felt hypomanic, I probably would have fought tooth-and-nail to stay on the Paxil indefinitely. But of course, it became impossible to function in the everyday world and to make any plans when I was feeling too depressed to do much of anything half of the time. As wonderful as I felt and as productive as I was when I was hypomanic, the depression was always inevitable. So, of course I had to stop the Paxil, and at that point I was presumed bipolar and put on a series of medications that basically just made me feel worse, and now I've finally discovered a class of antidepressants (MAOIs) that can actually do some good on their own without triggering cycling or hypomania.
Now, as I said, I've read some of your other posts, and I'm aware that you've been through just about every medication out there. So, it sounds like you have more experience than I do in this whole process of trial and error, which means that you probably know more overall about meds than I do. And of course, there is no doubt in my mind that you know yourself and how you respond to meds better than I possibly could. I really, *really* hope you're right in saying that what you're experiencing is a true remission. You definitely deserve no less. But I do have some serious concerns that you may be experiencing some medication-induced cycling. And even if your "ups" aren't the least bit dangerous, please be aware that you *may* be on the roller coaster ride of rapid cycling -- a ride in which depression is just as inevitable as the bliss that you're experiencing now.
Tomatheus
poster:Tomatheus
thread:595776
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051231/msgs/595998.html