Posted by CareBear04 on January 18, 2005, at 19:54:40
In reply to Re: What is an antidepressant?Any input please? » CareBear04, posted by darkhorse on January 18, 2005, at 4:22:52
darkhouse, yeah i totally agree with you about our all being between extreme poles of some variant of sickness and health. we all surely do care about getting better, and that's why we're here to learn about each others' experiences asnd advice. like you, i've come 180 in two years. when i first started lexapro two years ago, i was told that it was the greatest and newest drug ever and that i absolutely needed meds. that started a long journey that is still going on that has so far involved at least 30 psych meds, currently 14 at the same time. two years after my first experience with meds, i wish to God that i'd never started them. sure, there's convincing evidence of biological factors and a family tree that would contribute depressive or bipolar genes. still, i was 19, and i wondered about the meaning of life. in a previous hypomanic state, i had taken on more than anyone could manage and got an average of 3hrs of sleep a night. my close friend died, i felt like i could have prevented it, and i felt appropriately guilty and grieved. who wouldn't be depressed? winter break helped and time off helped, but during that time, i was increasingly pressured to start lexapro. my worst mood states, especially my blackest and most dangerous depressions have all been drug-induced. my moods used to be pretty stable with ups that lasted weeks or months followed by normalness followed by depression. meds have messed with the regularity of this cycle. now that i can't pare down the meds and no pdoc seems to be able to help, i would give almost anything to have refused the meds right off and tried to get better through any other means. my mind isn't intact anymore. the sharpness and mental acuity i used to have is in deep hiding if still existent. my drs i've asked are optimistic that i will regain baseline brain function, but i don't know when they mean-- when all the hits my brain has taken from lithium toxicities have worn off, when i get off certain meds like antipsychotics, when i get off all meds altogether (which one dr said will never happen.) they criticize me for being obsessed with the possibility of permanent brain damage, but as people who rely heavily on their brains to get through med school and training, who are they to tell me that i'm overly fixated on my future functioning? i'm 22, and i want to go to grad school and work in a professional capacity. i don't want to be dependent and loopy like i am right now.
it was good to read your post, and it encouraged me to know that people do recover from these illnesses, some with meds but some without, too. they say i can have a normal, high-functioning life if i just take the meds, but like i said, i've been on so many meds at such a formative period in my life, that i'm not even sure who i am when i'm not on meds, not depressed or manic. i guess the best i can hope for is to be at my best and to maximize my potential, which i haven't done to this point.good to hear from you!!!
poster:CareBear04
thread:439864
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050113/msgs/443924.html