Posted by banga on December 13, 2004, at 21:22:32
In reply to Re: the feeling of nonexistance raquo; linkadge, posted by ace on December 13, 2004, at 20:30:56
I at least partially have similar feelings, though different...I dont feel a slave to the drugs, but I do have a pervasive sense of disconnectedness to the world around me. I walk around, supposedly existing but dont feel it. You know the expression people say to check if they are really there experiencing something, they have to "pinch themselves?" Well I feel like I would need to pinch myself every 30 seconds to confirm that I exist. I have compared living in depression like living in a black and white movie...all seems gray and distant, not quite 3-dimensional.
I have had meds pull me out of this horrid state somewhat, the environment turning color and 3-dimensional and textured, and most of all--feeling that I am THERE to enjoy it.
Though suggestions to get out there and do it are well-meant, in some phases of mental illness it is even more distressing to try and participate--because you feel handicapped to actually EXPERIENCE activities. Not only the emotions, but the actual recognition that you are alive and connected. At times in therapy when they say be in the "here and now", I get upset because I cant BE in the "here and now" no matter how I try. This to me highlights the biological basis of my suffering--I feel it is a physical block, not emotional, that keeps me feeling a part of life. Just as meditation is horrid, because my anxious mind just takes that excuse to run even harder in obsessive thoughts.
Meds dave not across the board exascerbated this disconnect, though some may have me in more of a fog (like Geodon for me.) But SSRIs long term have definitely blunted my emotions, having less feelings of empathy or tenderness.
As I said, your experience seems to differ in specifics, yet that sense of not being a part of life in a normal way does certainly speak o me....
poster:banga
thread:429069
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041211/msgs/429154.html