Posted by headachequeen on November 15, 2004, at 13:48:58
In reply to Topamax and depression, posted by stresser on November 15, 2004, at 6:25:23
Do we just fool ourselves for the sake of getting through the days? -L
Deep breaths and a moment of relaxation, then a moment of reality...
nothing builds up overnight and nothing is defeated overnight....
She came a long way in that she was able to tell you that she felt things were changing. She was beginning to have control over the binging and she was feeling better...
WOW and WOW again...
that was a huge step forward...
but there will be steps backward...
then the steps forward will occur again...
and then a step back..
but each time the forward will be sooner and a little further and the backward a little less drastic...May I enter again into one of my little illustrative memories...
I know. They are endless, but when one gets to my excessive years there has been a lot of memory and with the stuff I have entered into, a lot of doing so even more memories... some of them I hope useful, therefore I share...for many years we fostered teens in really horrendous emotional shape. For the most part we fostered girls, most of whom had attempted suicide on three or more occasions, most of whom had endured sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse...
These were not the children people were anxious to adopt, although many were permanent wards of the Crown and should someone want to adopt one they were available...
In some cases before the girls became wards of the Crown, there was an effort made to rehabilitate them and return them to the family...
they would live with us for a time set by the court during which time someone was supposedly working with the parent/s and siblings if siblings there were, preparing for the child's return.
Eventually there would be visits arranged.
The first visit was usually here, with the parent/s and other children coming here for a short visit, perhaps a meal...
then the child would go home for an afternoon or a couple of hours, with one of us accompanying or the social worker, usually it was with Mom in attendance. Then a day, then an overnight, then a weekend then every second week-end...Usually these visits began after the girl had been with us for about three months...
during this time we had exposed her to a different life style, trust and respect and love and security... where the only type of disciplince was discussion-based, where the only physical contact was a hug (we believe a person needs at least four hugs a day to survive, seven to exist and twelve for growth), and where there was time for each child in the house... that is personal time...
I made sure there was time for each child, our own and the foster children on a one-to-one basis as did my husband, and we made time for them as a group and in smaller groups...
sometimes we had four teens and our own three here.. on one occasion we had our own three, two permanent fosters we eventually adopted, and seven others and I still don't know where we put them all... and it was wonderful chaos...However, when it came time for the ones who were to visit home to start the visiting, we would send 'home' for a week-end a child who had become quite a different child -- not totally healed but changed. (These children came here as a last resort. If they could not make it here it was an institution or group home and some of the workers would actually tell them this... talk about threats...)
They would leave here with different attitudes, in varying stages of healing, more confident, happier and stronger than when they arrive...
at the end of the visit, we would be met by the child who first arrived in our home...
at first it was so discouraging...
I would cry myself to sleep when it was finally safe to leave the child alone that first or second night without fear of her doing something drastic...
What had happened to the happy confident little girl I had said good-bye to at her mother's front door? Who was this moody angry violent creature I brought home with me?
We would start over at the beginning...
and by the time the next visit rolled around we would have our 'daughter' back... and at the end of the visit, we would have to start again...but as time went on we saw a pattern...
the regression lasted for a shorter time each visit and each time the girl would regress less...
until she could handle the visit better and hold on to her new self better... and handle the difference between 'home' and home...
In most cases we would end up in a conference with the worker and the child and she would tell the worker what was happening when she went 'home' and that would eventually end with the child becoming a permanent ward with a chance for a future...
but the interim was such a struggle for her and for us...it never became easier to live with even when we began to understand what was happening...
We also found they could handle only so much success then fear would overtake them; this was not my life yesterday and I don't know how to handle this, so I drift back into the known... then in a few days or whatever time was required the child would struggle back to the surface...
success is frightening....
hang in there, Mom
you are both doing well
don't give upkat
poster:headachequeen
thread:5053
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041113/msgs/416277.html