Posted by Nohope on September 28, 2004, at 7:38:02
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 28, 2004, at 0:56:27
Hi Jerry.
> ...I always envision what my life would have been had I not gotten depressed 13 years ago. I can imagine I'd be happy, successful and in charge of my life. That's a path I can never achieve now.
I fully understand (depression/panic going on 14yrs now). I had all the portents of a 'golden child' - until I turned 21, when my hideous illness decended on me out of the blue. Life rapidly turned from a battle for success to a battle for existence; not fun, and a very confusing experience for a young kid.
I realize that what were supposed to be the best years of my life cannot be reclaimed - and this also seems to be true for you. It's natural to be bitter about such things, but try not to dwell on it.
Maybe contemplating your lost years leads you to dreaming of a future where you find a cure and can pick up where you left off before your illness? Now, I might receive some flak for saying this, but I think it may be unwise to keep dreaming of a future with a "cure". For poor souls like us, I suspect that our illnesses are too strong and pervasive that we will ever feel truly cured. There are scientific advances in the treatment of mental illness of course, but they appear to be incremental, and progress slowly (not really through lack of effort - the brain is just so darn complex).
Within our lifetimes, I suspect that we will always feel side effects from our medication, or residual symptoms not fully treated. Ours will be lesser lives compared to what we once imagined - but not necessarily not worth living.It's odd - once you let go of dreams of a perfectly well life, somehow things become easier in general: side effects become a bit easier to ignore, rejection shrugged off a little sooner, failure accepted with less bitterness.
Dreams can be very much two-edge swords. To be honest, I don't have many any more - and I am definitely happier for it.
>All I can do is....nothing. I don't exist. My time is up.
I guess the first task is to get you feeling well enough that you find *something* worth living for.
Was there a medication or combo that made life at least worth living? Your experience with Effexor sounds quite similar to mine and it seems to not be working in its role as your core antidepressant. I am sure you have tried Nardil? I haven't, but in general people here seem to think that it has a real kick to it and it has many fans on this board. Could you please describe your experience with it, especially dosage and time on it? If my experience with Parnate is any guide, you must give the MAOIs literally months to work properly.Your time is not yet up - we at this board will not let you go!
Nohope
poster:Nohope
thread:385815
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040927/msgs/396178.html