Posted by shadows721 on February 15, 2004, at 20:17:15
In reply to No one understands me: Pre and Post Suicidal ..., posted by bristol on February 15, 2004, at 17:06:06
I understand exactly what you are saying. You don't want to be in pain anymore. You have Ptsd. I have that too. It is like walking around in Hades. Sounds like there is a lot of shame. You are blaming yourself for being in pain. You aren't in pain from yourself. You have to separate the self hatred and put it where it belongs. You still see what was done to you as your fault. It's like this happened to me, because something was wrong with me issue. That is far from the truth. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a beautiful person inside that went through Hell. If you can't believe that go where children play, look at the children. That's how old you were when this awful stull happened to you. They don't deserve bad treatment and neither did you. No one sees your pain, because it went to the core (the child) of you. You have to stop blaming yourself. You have trouble sleeping probably, because that's when bad things happened. Also, you probably have flashbacks when you are trying to rest. Your child self sees that as when your back is turned. The sleep difficulties may be linked to Major Depression fueled by the PTSD.
You have to treat yourself as a child. You have to feed yourself healty foods. You have to exercise, be around safe people, don't watch anything on tv that is violent/sexual content, tell yourself affirmations, and get proper rest. By all means, go to therapy. You probably have serious trust issues too. The only person you need to be able to trust the most is yourself. Don't perpetrate yourself by trying to kill the most important person in the world (YOU!) You deserve to be loved by yourself. Learn to love yourself weight on or off. Renee was probably drinking only fluid protein shakes and taking diet pills for her weight loss for Hollywood. She gained weight probably by eating by eating normally. That's her job in Hollywood weigh the part. You aren't in Hollywood. Yes, even if don't love yourself right now. Act the part. Act as someone who wants and deserves the best in life. Meds don't make the pain go away. They lessen the pain a degree to help you take care of yourself. There is no happy pill. There is no antipain pill either, there are antidepressants. People with Ptsd do have a chemical imbalance. Our brains operate differently. We see threats when there aren't any. Do things to keep yourself safe. Get the alcohol out of the house. Don't refill the whole prescription(only a few pills at a time). Don't have things in the house that you will use against yourself. If you are out of control, get to a hospital or call a crisis help line. Throw a rope out there and get help. Your posts screams for someone to tell you how to help yourself. There is a very strong voice in there that says, "I want to live". Listen to that. Perhaps, getting some spiritual help will help you too. People with ptsd also have a difficulty with God. We tend to think we are so defective that God can't love us either. That's a lie too. We tell ourselves lies just like the perpetrators. We are beautiful sensitive souls who have a lot to give, but we punish ourselves. We damn ourselves today. We feel like freaks inside, because we think we are different from others. We are in a way, but not in the way we think. We have a skill of seeing pain in others. We read people well, but we don't trust our own instincts. You have the skill of a war veteran. You smell danger. You have hypervigilance. This is a major survival skill others don't possess. Start understanding how you operate and use it to your advance.
You have pets who probably look to you as a parent. Others love you. You just will not allow others in you world, because you don't trust. Again, treat yourself as a child. Look at yourself as a child who was really hurt. Get pictures of yourself together as you were as a child. Make a collage. Then, make a collage of yourself today. Learn to listen to the child within and allow her to grieve her pain safely. There are a lot of tears in there that need to come out safely. You can handle it with help. You will not die from the pain. Remember, emotions can't kill. Only, you can kill. Don't act on feelings. Killing yourself is really killing a little girl that still lives inside you that is pain. Don't murder the child inside that is very much alive. Get a journal. Journal your feelings and thoughts and then shut the book. Make the journal a safe place to put these powerful emotions. Allow yourself to play. Do things you enjoy whatever it may be (i.e., drawing/painting, reading safe book, playing an instrument, baking, renting funny movies). You fill in the blank there. Don't try to fill the pain with people who deep down remind you off the old perpetrator. Treat yourself as you would a child you loved unconditionally. I can't say that enough.
How do I know so much about this? I know, because I live it. I do my best and that's all anyone can ask. It's not easy. I do take it day by day. Sometimes, I take it hour by hour. A good read is the book "Getting through the day". Get some self help books too. Get out and go to a bookstore or a library. Make time to read something healing for yourself.
Finally note here: Don't hurt yourself. It hurts you and others. There's nothing positive in that. I care about you and I understand exactly what you are saying.
(Remember, all we are children that have grown up physically and know a little bit more than we did as kids. Think about that. There is a strong side of you that went through Hell and has lived to tell the story. Don't silence what needs to speak.)
poster:shadows721
thread:313705
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040215/msgs/313803.html